I was looking for something backed up on an old computer this morning and I came across a baby picture. It would be easy to mistake the baby for me, but the truth is that its not. Its the picture of one one my awesome donors. I remember choosing her based on her picture alone and I couldn’t help feeling that little ‘what if’ feeling. That donor gave me my one and only BFP and I found myself momentarily transported back to that time in my life. The joy and then the pain…………
There have been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately, two of them from people who are very special to me and two from old high school friends on FB. My reactions have been very different to each one and I find myself reflecting on THE question, “Have I gotten past the fact that I will never be pregnant?’
I do believe that I will never be pregnant and I don’t believe that it is possible for me to fall pregnant. I know that miracles happen, but I simply don’t believe that a pregnancy can get past my damaged insides and my crap eggs. This is a fact and it just has to be accepted. I know that pregnancy is only for nine months and being a parent is forever, but sometimes I still feel that little longing inside me. Its not anything big enough for me to wallow or get depressed about, its more of a wondering of what it would be like to be pregnant and give birth.
Two very special people are pregnant at the moment. My cousins fiance and one of my closest IF friends. When I heard that my friend was pregnant I was overjoyed and scared for her at the same time. I prayed hard and I still pray for her. Its always great when an IF sista gets good news.
My cousin phoned me personally to tell me and I was so touched that they thought about me. On reflection I realized that people are still sensitive to my infertility history, which made me feel a little odd. I haven’t thought about that part of me for a long time (properly) and it made me realized what an impact it has made on others. Some may still see me as the sensitive, hurt, fragile women that I was. Whereas I don’t see myself like that anymore. My son has healed me in so many ways. I just don’t feel that deep hurt anymore.
So lets get back to that question, ” Have I gotten past the fact that I will never be pregnant?” My answer is YES! Even though I may wonder what it would have been like and even though I worked hard to achieve it in the past.
Jayden is more than any pregnancy!!! My precious boy.