I consider the difficult part of my infertility journey to be over since Jayden arrived, and I have realised that I only recently started to deal with all the hurt and the darkness. I am still working through some things and there is no doubt that this experience will be with me forever. I know that I can’t go back, but I have been thinking about how I would have done things differently knowing what I know now.
Since it has all been over I have been so much kinder to my body. I calculated the other day that I have actually lost 7kgs since Jayden arrived (3.5kgs since weigh less). I never felt the same motivation to be kind to myself during the ‘IVF days’. Sure, I would be ‘good’ in preparation for an IVF but not in between. I was too broken to look after myself. It was simply easier to eat and drink wine and numb myself. What I know now is how important it was to nurture myself in those times. I wish I had been kinder to my body and my mind.
The anger was overwhelming and very damaging. I wish that there had been a way for me to let go of that, but I realise that I wasn’t capable of it. I was in a dark dark hole and simply couldn’t get out.
I wish I hadn’t blamed myself so much. The more I think about it the more I realise that ‘it is what it is’. I know that this is cold comfort or no comfort at all to those still in the trenches; but what can you really do! You can’t change it and it’s not your fault.
There are also things that I don’t regret. Things that helped and things that needed to be done.
All the treatment: Each IVF brought me closer to Jayden. And again I will say that he is not the REASON, but the journey certainly lead me to him. I have never regretted an IVF. It was all a process.
Blogging and Fertilicare: What would I do without you? Yes I am talking to you readers! The support through comments on my blog and replies to threads on FC were just so valuable. They lifted me, made me laugh and supported me when I needed it most.
The friends I have made: There are a few that I would still LOVE to meet and I treasure the ones that are in my life now. It’s just priceless to have a conversation about motherhood with people who GET you. There are things that change you during the IF journey. I have mom friends that haven’t struggled that I relate to wonderfully, but there is some infertility mommy related stuff that they just won’t get. It’s not a deal breaker for the friendship and I treasure these friendships too; but sometimes it ‘lekker’ to have a bit of a laugh and a cry and a chat with a friend that has shared the IF journey with you.
Telling people about my infertility: Sometimes this was a source of anger because people made stupid comments, but can I really blame them. When you know better you do better. Hopefully, I have taught someone something that will affect the way they react to someone else in the future. It’s the same with adoption and the stupid comments people make. I hope that in educating people I make a difference to the way they see things.
The learning that I got from the experience: I am the person I am today because I experienced this, and in a weird way I am thankful for the hurt that shaped me. Maybe I would be the one making the stupid comment if I hadn’t had the experience. It’s really taught me to stop and think. And most importantly it has shown me that the learning never stops. We can always learn from others.
Lastly, there are more things in this post that I DONT REGRET than I do…….. 🙂
I would love to know what you think?
We know that we can’t go back, but would you change anything if you could? What are your regrets and what are your gains?