As a new mom I felt many new emotions, and I felt them all in a completely new context.
Happiness, fear, elation, doubt……
When I look back now, the first couple of months seem like a total blur. I am not sure how I survived the 60 day wait and I am not sure how we got to Christmas so quickly. Everything seemed to happen so fast and yet sometimes in slow motion. Of course I was over the moon to have been so blessed, but I also realise that I was totally overwhelmed. If you had asked me then I would have said I felt fine, and I did! People even comented on how relaxed I seemed. But I am realising more and more now just how life altering the experience was and how I have grown and changed.
The most irritating feeling for me had to have been that little doubt in the back of my mind that I had in myself as a mom. I am sure that all first time moms have felt this at some point.
I would constantly question myself.
Should I be bathing him at this time or should it be earlier?
Did I burp him enough?
Did I move him into his own room too soon?
Should he be eating that?
Should he be watching that?
I questioned every decision that I made and even after that I still wasn’t satisfied that I had done the right thing. I realise that this feeling came purely from a lack of confidence and the silent judgement I felt from other moms. In fact I’m not even sure that it was judgement, it was more likely to have been thier confidence that intimidated me.
There is so much information out there as well as so many opinions. I found it easier to ask other moms what thier opinions where rather than reading lots and lots of books. Which helped me in some situations, but confused me in others.
Nearly ten months down the line I am finally feeling more like the confident mom that I should be. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments and I am sure that I’ll still experience that feeling of doubt in the future, but I have learnt to trust myself a lot more than before. I am more confident in the decisions that I make and I find that I look to other moms for reassurance less and less.
I am a mom and I am a good mom. Sure, I’ll make mistakes in the future, but I am only human. Parenting is difficult, but I find that it is a lot easier when you’re confident in your decisions!