I was having a chat with my cousin the other day and he commented that I am looking much happier, much more like myself. I am very close to this particular cousin; in fact he is more like a brother, so he knows me very well. I was actually a little surprised by the comment and so I asked him what he meant. He told me that it was difficult to explain, but he could see it in my face. In my pre Jayden days he could see that I was bitter and angry with the world and the cards I had been dealt.
If I look back now, there is definitely some truth in that statement. I was very bitter, but I tried to hide it. I tried to smile at every pregnancy announcement and at every baby shower. I was happy for the people who fell pregnant, but I was sad and frustrated for me.
Being on the other side of infertility gives me deeper understanding of why people didn’t really ‘get’ the space I was in. But that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. In fact it makes me more aware of just how lonely the journey is. Infertility hit me hard, and I can only look back and see the immense damage now. It’s like walking away from a bad car crash and then turning around to see the damage.
What I am trying to say is that there is healing at the end of the infertility journey. I never imagined I would heal when I was there in the trenches. I felt like I would get stuck there forever and it would never get better, but the process has started and people seem to have noticed. The scars will always be there, but I’ll wear them proudly and use them to help others.
For those still in the trenches; I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will heal. All journeys have to come to an end and everyone has a different ending to their journey. Lets hope the journey ends sooner than later.