One of the things that I love about blogging is the clarity you get from thinking a post through. It really sorts out the thoughts in my mind as I translate them from ideas to words.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how my life has changed. Life as I knew it was turned upside down in many many ways and while I would never go back to the old childless me I have to acknowledge the absolute magnitude of change motherhood brings with it. For me, it hasn’t been the lifestyle changes that have made their mark it is more the transition from infertile me to mommy me. As infertiles I am sure that we all experience this transition on some sort of personal level. My experience of the transition has definitely left me with the thinking that if you have battled infertility for any period of time there are lingering infertile mindsets that stay with you. They aren’t issues that you would think about while still on the journey.
Some things didn’t come as a surprise to me. I knew that……
- I would not be able to freely come and go as I wish.
- I would feel the effects of sleep deprivation.
- I would love my child more than I love anyone else in the world and I would do anything….ANYTHING to protect him.
- The sacrifices I would be prepared to make for his future and welfare.
But other things came as a bit of a surprise.
The change in the dynamics of my relationship with my husband.
Sure, I knew that things would change, but I had no idea how they would change. I suppose that I expected my husband’s views to be EXACTLY the same as mine and I expected his life to change JUST in the same ways as mine did. It sounds really silly in my head and even more ridiculous written down, but it is true, at the back of my mind I expected this post infertile-couple bliss……but it’s not quite like that …..is it?
I knew it would change my relationship…..I just didn’t know how much.
The frustration that I would feel when things didn’t go right.
I like things to go my way. It’s very frustrating when it doesn’t, and it’s a different frustration than I have felt before because it’s my son. He is the most important thing in my life and in my heart I want to get everything right the first time, but I don’t. Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing? Sometime I wonder if I am trying hard enough (I am very hard on myself) and I second guess every decision I make. This is not something that I can do over if I get it wrong and that scares me.
The responsibility of being a mother through adoption.
There is so much more responsibility than I realised. I feel….
- A responsibility to educate others about adoption. It is shocking how misinformed people are.
- A responsibility to my son to always be open and honest.
- A responsibility to build my sons confidence in a cruel, stereotypical world.
- A MASSIVE responsibility to our birth parents.
The lingering infertility hangups.
After years of telling myself not to get too excited….I can finally get excited. After years of infertility related negative self talk…..I am finally free.
I don’t want to linger on the past, but I need to acknowledge that it takes time to change the mindset of an infertile. To start to believe that you are deserving and you can be ‘normal’. All that thinking needs to be changed and that takes lots of time and effort.
At the end of the day, it’s difficult for everyone isn’t it. Whether you conceived naturally, through fertility treatment or became a mother through adoption. It’s such a huge change……a good change, but it’s massive.
There is no denying the magnitude of motherhood, and acknowledging that somehow takes the edge off for me.