I am thinking about time this morning. Time in terms of THE WAIT to be matched. Time in terms of life in general. Time is really fickle isn’t it. Sometimes it feels like it is taking forever and sometimes it flys by.Some memories feel like yesterday and others feel like another lifetime.
As you know we are on the list with two social workers in South Africa. Joan in JHB and Wilna in Cape Town. Our screening with each was quite different. With Joan our screening seemed a lot more intense. It took a whole six months and required a lot more documentation than the other. I realise that Social Workers all work differently and I am in no way saying that one is better than the other. In fact I love the differences in both our Social Workers. What matters at the end of the day is that they both have our best interests at heart. We were accepted onto both thier lists around the same time. In fact I posted a thread on fertilicare entitled ‘Consider me pregnant’ on 02/02/2011. So I guess we can count our wait from the month of Feb 2011. It really seems like yesterday, but in fact time has flown. It boggles my mind how quickly each month flies by. I put a reminder in my outlook calendar to remind me to call each SW around the 1st of every month and I can’t believe how quickly time flies and that little reminder pops up again. Its really not that I need a reminder, more that a month goes by so fast that it feels like yesterday that I made the call. At the end of this month we’ll have been officially waiting six months and it will also be a year since we made the decision to go ahead with screening.
This morning, FB reminded me just how time flies once again. Last year this time I remember a friend anouncing the birth of her daughter and today there were photos of her first birthday. I can’t believe how much can change in a year. Decisions are made, things happen, life changes. And then a two year wait doesn’t seem so long…….Sometimes I actually feel that I can handle that. I tell myself that I will just keep busy and before we know it we will get the call. I tell myself its not the right time, maybe we should move into our new house first. Maybe I should enjoy…… being able to meet a friend for some wine at the drop of a hat…….sleeping in………spending quality time with my husband alone.
And then I have other days when I feel so frustrated. Sometimes they are weeks. I feel sad and desperate and ask why why why? Why must we wait for everything to be right in our lives before we can have a child, when it comes to others no matter what the circumstance. I have come to the conclusion that the ‘It will happen when you least expect it’ is a platitude that makes the least sense ever. Its very similiar to ‘just relax’ becasue it implies that I have some control over the situation, which I really don’t. And please things that happen when you least expet them to are called surprises. These are things you weren’t planning and you were actually trying to avoid. If you were doing anything to contribute to something happening then it can’t possibly happen when you least expect it to. * I shake my head in utter frustration *
I have found the adoption wait compared to doing fertility treatment to be totally different. The biggest thing is that nothing happens and you can’t control what is going to happen. You can plan an IVF and you can go onto a forum and get heaps and heaps of suport while you are doing your IVF, but there’s an eery silence when it comes to adoption. No updates to post until you get your ‘BFP’. Everyone is either holding thier breath or they have forgotten about you and moved on with thier lives. Or at least that is how it feels. Friends for a reason, season or a lifetime….and all that jazz…..in real life and online. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter though. Its my journey, my life and those who celebrate that with me are there because they value me and have a genuine interest in what is hapening in my life. I do appreciate every cyber hug and every coment. And I know that some of you cyber chicks will be my friends forever. Others will move on and thats ok. The tough situations in which we supported each other in the past are resolved and we move on and keep in contact with those who we genuinly bonded with. Thats life!
And so I guess time will continue to go by and I will continue to live and have my good and bad days. I can’t imagine the awesome feeling I’ll have when I get that call. I can’t imagine writing about it on this blog, but I know it will happen. I dream about it, I look forward to it and I ache for it. Sometimes I take out the baby clothes and imagine an actual baby in them……and its a sureal thought so sureal after all this time.
Thank-you friends for all of your support. You know who you are.