Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to Vitalab for my post op appointment with Dr J. It was quite amusing and heart warming to be greeted by name by one of the reception staff. It dhows how long I’ve been a patient of thiers. Dr J then walked through and saw us sitting on the coach. He waved smiled and mouthed “Just go through to my office”. “So you know your body well,” was his first comment as he walked in. It’s true, I do, and I wonder for a moment if I like knowing my body so well. “You have terrible terrible disease” he says, and he goes through the options with me again. Mirena, surgery, hysterectomy. We tell him that we are going to take the conservative approach for now. He agrees that this is best, and says that he would like to calm my endo down for three months before we insert the Mirena. Lucrin is the drug of choice and so it is menopause for me, yay! At first I think no problem because I have used Lucrin before in the Donor IVF cycles, but then the nurse reminds me that I had estrogen to ease the effects. Luckily my fears of becoming a raving lunatic have been eased by posting my concerns on Fertilicare. In the mean time I’m also going to investigate the pine bark stuff that Dr V mentioned, but for now I am feeling more like this is the way to go. I suppose it makes sense that I should be ‘shut down’ for a couple of months. I’ll sleep on it! (I am hoping to get some sleep tonight)

It all seems so final, diary! I know I’m not the only one in the world that this has happened to. I know that it doesn’t change our plans for adoption, but somehow the news has made me feel really sad and really numb. I asked my husband how he felt about everything this morning. He assured me that he was fine and that he loved me and was happy with adoption. I told him I was sorry that he would never have a genetic child of his own because of me. He told me that he loved me very much and would never swap me. What would I have done if I were in his shoes? How would it feel if the roles were reversed? Of course I love him and of course I would never have left him, but the pain must be a little different on the other side. Then again, pain is pain……

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