I had my laparoscope yesterday. I was actually quite nervous. The main reason – because I was hoping that I wasn’t imagining all this pain. I kept wondering that maybe it was something else and it was all in my head. I lay in my bed waiting to be admitted and started to dream about a what if……Maybe I would be all clean inside and maybe we could try another donor cycle. That dream of experiencing a pregnancy always rears it head. I know that its not my main objective and ultimately I just want to have a happy healthy family….but its been there in the back of my mind as a dream…a ‘what if’ a ‘maybe’

I was second on the list and I went into theatre at 10:30. I must say I experienced great service from the Linkwood…..not like the last time which was disgusting.

The next thing I knew I was in recover. I am lucky to not have any complications with anaesthetic so I recovered well and was wheeled back to the ward. The anaesthesioloigist came by to tell my huband what we needed to pay. “She was under for a very short time”, he said. My first thought was that they had found nothing and I was going to look like a complete idiot. That is until Dr V came round to talk to us and gave us the shocking news.

I was right in thinking that they didn’t do anything, but I was wrong in the reason for that. As Dr V put it, “I am a mess inside”. He showed me pics of my liver and stomach which were all  fine. It was when he lifted up my uterus that he saw the real problem. Hectic endometriosis! Everything is stuck together…..bowel and rectum. In fact my rectum is being pull up in an awkward position. He said that he wasn’t happy to operate and remove any endo via laparoscope. Mainly because things are just too hectic in there and I may have woken up with a colostomy bag, which would not have been cool. He also reckons that this is the reason that our last two IVF’s didn’t work. The embies would never have had achance for implantation amongst that mess. It really makes so much sense. FET, transferred four excellent embryos….NOTHING. Fresh cycle, three excellent embryos…..NOTHING. In a wierd way it puts my mind at rest, but it also makes me angry because those IVF’s were basically a huge waste of money. I also have adenomyosis in my uterus. Which is endo inside the uterus. I asked Dr V and he confirmed that I would have been a better candidate for a surrogacy.

So, I have three options.

1. We can fit a Mirena and we can treat the endometriosis with something new that comes from the bark of a tree. I can’t remember the name.

2. Surgery in which they would have to remove some of my bowel to unstick the uterus. Dr V says this may not do anything for my pain though. So I don’t think its an option.

3. Hysterctomy. A major decsion.

We are going to try the Mirena and endo treatment for now. If that doesn’t help the pain I will have the hysterectomy, but that is a big decision that I will not take lightly.

At the end of the day, my uterus was never meant to carry a child. I said a small prayer when we got home and thanked god for showing me this. I asked that our baby come to us soon through adoption, and I thanked hime for confriming our path.

I really think enough is enough now. We need to have a happy ending soon. I secretly hope that the Tarot reading was right and  we will be getting a call in July/August.

I also strongly believe that I was born with this agressive endo. It was never meant to be and we were destined to walk this path to get to the path we are on. We needed to go through all those disappointments to get here. Its part of the journey. There is a baby and birth mother out there and we are meant to be brought together through adoption. I really hope it is soon.