Some days, I feel strong and positive. I can open the compactum in our spare room and smile at all the baby clothes.

Some days, I feel that the day we have been waiting for is around the corner, and then I feel happy and content.

Some days, the months and the years don’t seem so long anymore. I feel free to live my life and not obsess.

Some days, I rejoice in all that I have and I am truly thankful.

Some days, I dream about what it will be like when we get the call. I dream of our BM and how much I already feel for her. I dream of the beautiful child that we are waiting for and how much love we are going to share with him or her.

And then on other days………

I am taken over by anger, sadness and guilt and I can’t understand why this has happened.

I feel the tick tick tick of the clock, and it gets louder and louder reminding me of what I haven’t got. I start to consider other options. Maybe another IVF????

Desperation and panic sets in, and I feel like this is never going to happen. Hours seem like days and I just want to curl up and escape in a bottle of wine or a deep sleep.

I pick at the past and try to find answers as to why it hasn’t happened yet. I ask myself pointless questions, that have no answers.

Some days are good……and others are bad.