Yesterday I went to see Dr J about my endo and out of sync hormones. It was really weird going back to VL. I was actually quite nervous the whole day, but when I got there I felt a little more relaxed.The service and care there really is fantastic!

Going back did confirm my feelings of NOT wanting to do any more fertility treatment. Sitting on the coach in the waiting room, lying and waiting in the scan room and having the scan brought back so many memories of hope. I lay there thinking…..three fresh good looking embryos….Why!? Why didn’t that work? We used intralipids, blood thinners, a great donor….and still no success. Why?! Of course I’ll never find the answer to that question, but I do know that I don’t want to try again. Unless you can give me a 100% guarantee that it will work. I just can’t handle that cycle of hope and heartache again. I would rather move on to something that offers more success and in my opinion we are on that road.

Anyway, my last lap was in April 2006…..and can you believe it my last pa.p sm.ear was in 2008. Eish! I told Dr J about my suspicions that my endo had returned. My hormones have also been feeling so unbalanced. I am getting skin breakouts, hectic pms and I am really tired. Dr J reckons that my hormones have deteriorated further, and so we’ll be testing everything again on day two of my next cycle. We know that my AMH is low (0.89 in 2008) and so there is a definite posibility that my ovaries and hormones have deteriorated. We’ll decide if I need to supplement them artificially after my day two results.

The scan revealed either an endometrioma (SP?) or a follicle on my right ovary. Apparently they look similar and so we’ll confirm that on a day two scan to confirm what that is. Obviously if it isn’t there on day two it was a follicle. If not, its endo. But I will be having a lapscope in any case. There was definite pain during the examination and in fact even the pa.p sm.ear was sore.

I left feeling that I never really had a chance with my eggs. Its brought back a lot of feelings of guilt (for my husband) and sadness. Not really anger, just sadness. We have been on such a long journey. Endured so much hope and despair. My body has let me down, but in saying that I still believe its all meant to be. There is a baby and a BM out there that need us as much as we need them.

Everything will be ok in the end and if it is not ok…..its not the end.