So thanks for all your assvice yesterday gals. I did appreciate it. I had a really good think about Sundays happenings yesterday and then followed it all up with my Monday therapy session, where it all became very clear to me.
Firstly, comments like, “The doctors are just out to make money” and “now that you have given up it will happen” (Yes she said that too) are misguided platitudes. They come from a place of ignorance and should not be taken seriously at all. I can’t take comments like that seriously, especially from someone who doesn’t understand where I have come from and what I have been through.
Secondly, the Tarot reading has made me obsess a bit about the adoption and that is the exact place I did not want to be in. Before the reading I was in a place where all my wonderings were somewhat dampened. This has now opened up a can of ‘what ifs’ ‘maybes’ and general obsession. I was OK, not 100%, but OK. The one space I don’t want to be in is one of obsession. I was in that place with the infertility treatment and I don’t want to go back there. What will be will be and I have to accept that. I simply can’t focus on something that MAY be true, its giving me false hope. Therapy has helped me realise that I have very definite control issues and this just makes it worse.
And I’ll finish of by saying that I have learnt to be good to myself over the last few months. I’m in a process of changing my lifestyle and being good to me. If a miracle is supposed to happen it will happen. I’ll go for some acupuncture or reflexology if I feel the need to relax and treat myself, but for no other reason. I am not jumping on that bus of hope and disappointment again. I need to LIVE!