Happy Monday morning everyone. I’m feeling a little annoyed and angry and so I need to get something out …….assvice is welcome on this one.
Yesterday was a crap day. I woke up feeling really emotional and had a little cry. My husbands reaction to my tears is always so sweet. I can see that he wants to comfort me and make everything better, and he does his best. I can see that he wants to give me all the answers, but that is impossible. Mothers Day was difficult for both of us. He lost his mom about seven years ago, and of course we are both reminded of how I can’t celebrate mothers day for the 8th time since we started trying to conceive. And so we both put on a brave face and went to go and visit my father in law and his girlfriend. Anyway the visit turned out to be semi irritating. Firstly her granddaughter arrived. She is pregnant with a woops. The I-dont-know-how-it happened type. The I-had-unprotected -sex-while-I-was-on-NO-contraception….but I don’t know how it happened type. Well sweety, I have the answer for you……..YOU HAD SEX – that is how it happened. Anyway, I endured the conversation about how she is finding this pregnancy really tough and that she has been told not to stop smoking because it may cause a miscarriage (huh). I nearly ran for the hills when she suggested we watch her scan, but thank goodness she didn’t subject me to that. I think I would have said I didn’t want to watch anyway if she had whipped out her DVD.
So a mildly irritating start to the visit. Anyway she finally left and I got talking to FIL’s girlfriend about my Tarot reading. You may have read about my Tarot reading in Knysna. If you haven’t you can read about it here. FIL’s girlfriend claims to have psychic abilities and so she was quite interested in what the reading had said. I told her that the cards has said to expect paperwork in the months of July/August in connection with the adoption and that we would not have to wait very long. Her reaction “The paperwork could be the sale of your house”. To which I replied, but how could it be the house if I specifically asked about children. She reckons that she has a very strong feeling that I will still fall pregnant. So I questioned her further about this, I asked if she felt that it would be soon (Like in this year). Her answer, “it wont be too long, like you won’t be 45”. To which I wanted to reply, ” well I can’t bear to be 34 never mind 45 thank you very much” The conversation then continued with her telling me how she believes that I should try reflexology and acupuncture, a holistic approach, because “those doctors are ONLY about making money” Also I must go to this health shop in Morning side shopping centre and stand on some machine that will diagnose my problems and then I can be treated with herbal remedies.
Ok, so I know that she meant well, but don’t all those comments seem more like platitudes than psychic readings. Yes, it would be lovely to be pregnant, and considering that my AMH was 0.89 in 2008 it would be a bloody miracle. I don’t know if I even want to go down that road again there is too much disapointment and pain. I would rather BELIEVE in the miracle of adoption that in my own miraculous conception.
Or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?
Should I dable in the impossible? And is it even possible if I feel that the odds are so low.
I know that the Tarot reading has opened up a can of worms in a way. But friends, I am so desperate for a sign, a time, a date………..a reason! I am very aware that this could all be a load of crap, but I so want something to believe in in this time of waiting. When I was doing fertility treatment I had the next cycle to place my hopes on, and now all I have is an endless tunnel of time.Tick tock tick tock….when will I get the call.
Should I put this stuff out of my mind, or shall I try it?