Today I’m thinking about grief and just how long it actually takes to grieve. For some of us it takes months and for others it takes years. The cycle requires a lot of work courage to get to the end of the cycle. We all handle grief differently and of course that is ok. What really matters is the final result. Did you get to the end of the cycle healed? Did you get to the end of the cycle? What did you do to heal your pain? Do you stronger? Do you feel weaker? What did you learn and where do you go from here?
For me, that has only become a reality recently. I have only now realized how broken I was. How infertility treatment held ME back from being healed, allowing me only to recover enough to move on to the next cycle. I recently found myself thinking about doing another IVF. But the more I think about it the more I ask WHY? Why do I want to put myself through that again. Why do I want to put my marriage through that again? For me I think it would be better to move on. To truly heal from all the ups and downs and LIVE LIFE!
It seems that the past years have all been about hurry up and wait. Getting the healing done fast so I can move on to the next option, but not focusing on me and how I was REALLY doing. Tick Tick time is running out better do the next cycle before I get too old / to make my husband happy / to heal me quickly. Never truly waiting and listening to the universe and what it was saying to me. And so I feel its time to be still and listen and pick up the pieces and heal completely this time.
I don’t want to obsess about the future I want to live my life – BECAUSE I FINALLY FEEL THAT I DESERVE THAT. Enough with the punishment and the damage to my self esteem. Sure I’ll have bad days, but its part of the process. My focus is putting myself back together and becoming the person I was born to be. Looking after myself in every sense and acknowledging that I am worth it.
………….Because I am! 🙂