I’m pretty much in the darkness again and to be quite honest I am so sick of being here.

Am I optimistic about the future, YES! Do I think everything will work out, YES!

But for now its pretty dam depressing. Perhaps its because I am surrounded with people who are celebrating ‘something’, whether its another pregnancy or an engagement. Yes, of course I am happy for them, but at the same time I am frustrated because there has been no change in my life. Yes, I am selfish…..I want it to be my celebration! Isn’t it time? When will it be? I’m feeling a bit uninspired. I am feeling a bit misunderstood, I am FEELING  alot, as well as feeling a bit guilty about the space I am in.

Its unfair to expect understanding when you are in this place, all that you the world can offer you is platitudes.Its fair to expect loneliness and anger and frustration at the fact that you once again have to get through this. What the hell is the point of all this pain? What really is the lesson here?

I feel like I’ve done my time here damit! And I am tired of working through all of these emotions of grief. I am tired of infertility having such huge control over me, and I want to take that control away. IF, my last IVF had worked I would nearly be due, but instead I am left with a very bitter taste in my mouth.

I need my phone to ring showing the name ‘Wilna’ or ‘Joan’ on the caller ID, but is it fair to expect a child to heal me…..no. Instead I need to think and think hard and reflect and pray.

Can someone please switch on the dam light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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