I’m feeling really peaceful at the moment.
I suppose it’s one of those up and down things…..but I really hope it stays this way for a while. I feel totally happy with what I have achieved this year. Even if it isn’t what I expected.
Last year this time I would have told you that 2010 was definitely our year for a pregnancy and a baby, but it was not to be. And that is OK!
We are coming to the end of the year, things are winding down and I’ve started to think back over the events of 2010. We’ve gotten ourselves through 2 negative IVF’s and its so funny how you only really realize how they effected you when you look back. A few weeks afterward you feel ok, but your’e not. It takes a long time to be 100% healed, well it does for me anyway. Its been 16 weeks since my last and final negative result, that is 3 and a half months, and I am only now starting to really start the healing. I am only now willing to start forgiving myself and move forward.
So, you may wonder, was the decision to go forward with adoption the right choice, seeing that I have spent most of our adoption screening time grieving. The answer- HELL YES!!! I still can’t stomach the thought of more treatment, and I feel 100% happy with our decision. But then I supose we didn’t decide that we would adopt over night. We had discussed the possibility of adoption in January, and we knew that if the two cycles didn’t work we would go that route.
I won’t lie, its been a huge adjustment for me. Its been a mind shift. I have been in the treatment game for so long that it was difficult to step out of it. Always thinking of the next IVF, new treatments, timing, money – ENOUGH! I’ve had to move to a place of acceptance that I will never be pregnant and that is OK. I’ve embraced the different issues that adoption brings with it and that is ok. The wait in between treatments never gave me that, it never had the finality that this has, because there is always a ‘what if’ or ‘when the next treatment works’ at the back of my mind. So in a way, its given me freedom….freedom to move on with my life and stop being consumed with treatment after treatment.
I’m not saying that I am totally free of the hurt and pain that infertility and treatment brings. Infertility changes you forever……FOREVER. I’m not recommending that we all forget about treatment and move on to adoption. I’m just in a place where I am READY to close the door on ‘IVF me’.
I will never think of conception and babies in a normal way and I will always feel the hurt and this has lead me to think about the irreplaceable bond IF sisters have. I’ve met a few of these woman in real life and some of those connections have lead to friendships and others to close friendships. We will always have a connection, something that noone else has unless you have walked the path. A deep understanding of the hurt. Its a connection that is indescribable. We don’t have to talk about IVF for ages, we don’t have to talk about loss every time we see each other, but we understand where we have been and there is something special in that.
The main theme in my life over the past three months has been rejection.I think I reacted so badly to the new children’s act because I was feeling like I was being punished! It was like the whole of 2010 was about the universe saying “No, you can’t have that”, “You aren’t good enough”, “You don’t deserve it”
But I’m ok now, I feel more at peace with everything in my world.
This December we have decided to stay at home and just be. Me, hubby, my two dogs, my old cat and my new cat. We are going to indulge in doing…..nothing. Lying in the sun, wading around the pool, cooking delicious meals, sleeping late, watching DVD’s, drinking good wine and getting lost in a good book.
Sounds bloody fantastic to me!!!
Here are some more pics of Naartjie. Isn’t she looking gorgeous?