I have a few things on my mind, so this may turn into a bit of a ramble.
I have been reflecting on our new journey so far and a couple of thoughts definitely linger.
The screening process has been hard on me, emotionally. Having your life examined from all angles definably creates the question in my mind, Are you good enough? Are you deserving? What do you deserve? Its ALL my stuff and I’m working on it. My need for acknowledgement, and approval. Where does it come from and why do I feel it so intensely? How much of this feeling is normal and how much is….too much?
The infertility journey has definitely played a massive part in cultivating these feelings of inadequacy. I never had a very high self esteem to begin with and while I feel I bravely rode the wave of fertility treatment, I think I’ve always felt that this has happened to me because I don’t deserve an easy life. I would never have acknowledge that feeling in the beginning, but it was always there, deep in my subconscious.
I ask myself, Did I move on to donor eggs to fast? Did this feeling make it easier for me to accept that? I think in a way it did…..
I keep telling myself that there is no evidence to support any of these feelings, which makes them untrue, right? Untrue, yes, but they are still there, and I am really trying to get rid of them.
I have also been quite surprised at people’s reactions to adoption. Having been the donor egg route, I thought I would be prepare, but it seems the two are nothing alike. I expected a lot more excitement from some and a little less doom and gloom from the rest.
I was quite annoyed at the “Oh, finally!” response. Like I shouldn’t have bothered with IVF and just gone straight for adoption.
Then there’s the quiet concern, with questions such as, “Aren’t you worried the birth mother took drugs while she was pregnant?” “How would you feel if the birth mother was a criminal?”
And then there is the “Oh, I’m so sorry reaction” “I’m so sorry you have to adopt at least with donor eggs you could be pregnant” What is the deal with that?
SO much emphasis is placed on being pregnant and not on being a parent. It really isn’t about a cute little house, two kids and a husband. Its about much more than that!!
I’ve certainly noticed the depth that some people have with their reactions. The ones that reply, “And as soon as you adopt, you’ll fall pregnant!” are the most shallow in my eyes.
I just reply, “Well that is NOT why I am adopting!!!!”