An Ah Ha! moment. Working through pain and grief  ‘IS WHAT IT IS.’

I have done some reflection this week and Kamis coment on my last post really hit home for me. She said;

“Good for you.  I think it is hard to do, but like you said, important.  I remember someone saying the grief is like a spiral staircase – you keep coming back to the same view, but it is just a little bit different.  I think you will keep revisiting, but it will get better.  At least that has been my experience and I think it is a common one.”

So my reflections and Ah Ha’s for this week are as follows.

I’ve been to hard on myself. I’m not perfect!

I think that I am being too hard on myself. I may have expected myself to heal faster and I may have beaten myself up for that. I may have been feeling that I should be perfect. Well guess what, I’m not! I’m sensitive, obsessive, sometimes a bit spoilt and its OK! I need to get rid of th idea that I need to be everything to everyone. The perfect daughter, wife and business woman, and my latest pursuit, the perfect mother. Noone is perfect and there are no perfect mother’s. All you can do, is your best. I can read all the adoption books and I can work through my issues until the cows come home, but it won’t make me a perfect mother. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I am going to stop doing those things! I just need to do them for the right reasons.

Question: How has infertility effected your confidence in your ability to be a good mother? Its the first time I am actually thinking about this. Which is crazy, because I have been trying to become a mother for the last seven years and it’s never popped into my head.

Have any of you ever thought about it? I’d be interested to know your thoughts.

Grief is a process that can’t be rushed

In my pursuit for perfection I may have put unnecessary pressure on myself to heal and be done with it. There will be triggers in the future, and they may set off a spiral of emotions……….So what? As long as I don’t resist it and as long as I learn from it. You can’t accelerate healing, it happens in its own time, and I realize that it may be wise to just let go and roll with the punches.

Acknowledge the pain, but don’t get stuck in it.

It’s important to acknowledge where you have been and what you have learnt from it, but its also important not to get to stuck on what you have been through. The focus needs to be less on the drama and more on the vision. If I label myself as sad infertile I will be there forever. I need to get over that hump and find another label for myself. Maybe survivor, or infertility warrior – Ha ha!

Learn from the process and redefine yourself

I have been training staff this week on personal branding and creating a positive brand for yourself. I get them to do an exercise that looks simple on the surface, but when you get down to it  it’s not as easy as you thought.

1. Write down five words that explain your personal brand.

2.Come up with one sentence that explains your personal brand.

Sounds easy right! But when you actually get down to it you start to do some thinking.

What are my downfalls? What are my strengths, and am I really strong in that area?

It got me thinking that all this negative self talk that I’m doing at the moment is not good. Reflection and working through it is a great thing to do, but the emphasis must be positive in the end.

So, I feel GUILT, ANGER, REJECTION. What can I learn from that? What life lessons can I take away and turn into a positive?

So I supose I am getting there….I have a great idea for acknowledging my journey which I’ll share in my next post.

Have a great weekend and happy spring!

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