I’m away on business at the moment and I am really enjoying myself. I am giving myself a lot of quiet time, which results in a lot of reflection time. I really have done a great job of beating myself up lately, and this applies in the emotional and physical sense. I’m finding the quiet time here very beneficial. Life gets so busy when you are doing your normal thing and I have ended up with hardly any time to process what has happened and what is happening in my life right now. In the midst of routine, its very easy to shut off your emotions and ignore them. So I am taking the opportunity to really think while I’m here and try to make sense of it all. Or at least process some of the stuff that is going on in my head.

The statements and comments in the rest of the post are not meant to create a pity party. It’s just me being REAL about my feelings. Some of the feelings you may identify with and some not. Although, in saying that I am in no way apologizing for my feelings. This is my blog and I write because I find it therapeutic, so take it or leave it!

Sometimes, we are so quick to say that we are ok after a failed cycled. Its easier that way, especially if you are planning another cycle soon. The aftermath of this cycle has been very different compared to the others and I think it is because there will NOT BE another cycle. After my negative IVF – FET earlier this year I tried to fast track my healing. I had to get back on my feet and there was unconscious pressure from those around me and from myself to do so. I don’t regret doing the fresh IVF cycle when I did, but I do realise that the depth of healing that I am working on now is a lot deeper than what I did then. I suppose I am also grieving more than a negative result this time. I am having to come to terms with the decisions that I want to make and move forward to a different place. There will be no next cycle and I’m realizing how different this world is compared to the one I was in. A lot of the feelings I recognized from other failed cycles seem more intense for me at the moment, and in a way I have just been hanging on, from cycle to cycle and never really allowing myself to feel the hurt fully.

A lot of the work I want to do is as a result of realizing just what a huge step adoption is. I have been reading a very good book that my mom gave me called ” 20 things adoptive parents need to succeed” by Sherrie Eldridge. The author is adopted and gives some very good advice on how to be open and honest in parenting an adopted child. The book has really made me feel that I really need to be prepared for parenthood in the sense of getting over my own issues. I want to be as free as I possibly can from these feelings and I don’t want them to cloud my judgment. I don’t want ‘my own stuff’ to interfere with what I want to teach my child.

There are definatly prevalent feelings that keep coming back, and I’m trying my best to acknowledge them and put them to bed permanently. I’m also asking the question. Is this my stuff or somebody else’s?

Guilt.

Anger.

Blame.

Rejection.

I’m doing the work that needs to be done. I’ll be better for it.

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