The adoption medical has opened some very old wounds for me, and I suppose that I have realized that I have a lot more to work through than I thought. I haven’t really had a good week and I am feeling very vulnerable and very sensitive. I’ve realized just how much the last IVF hurt and how much healing I have to do. I am in a bad space at the moment and have started thinking about things that I thought I’d put to bed long ago.

Everything that happens around me is saying

“YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH”

“YOU HAVE FAILED”

And for me the adoption screening process has ripped the scab of some of the wounds that I thought had healed. I don’t want to blog about the issues because frankly they are way to personal. Too personal even for a password protected post.

I know I have to step into the anger and the pain to work through it. I can’t ignore it and hope that it will go away, because inevitably it will rear its ugly head again. I probably need some counselling and I hate that because I thought I was strong enough to work through this on my own.

So here’s a new song for you my dears…… unfortunately it is not as uplifting as the last. Sorry.

“Perfect”

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love
Don’t forget to win first place
Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You’ve got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You’ve gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn’t good enough
To make us proud

I’ll live through you
I’ll make you what I never was
If you’re the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I’m doing this for your own damn good
You’ll make up for what I blew
What’s the problem…why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn’t fast enough
To make us happy
We’ll love you just the way you are
If you’re perfect

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