OK, I have just had my frustrations put to rest by my dear friend Joni. I need to repeat this statement to myself over and over.

Adoption is a process, I am not a bad person. All screening is in place for a reason!

So we went for our adoption medical on Wednesday and when I got home I really felt quite emotional and couldn’t  figure out why. I realized yesterday that it was because of the nature of the process. My life is under a microscope at the moment and I am feeling it BIG TIME!!!  I found myself feeling so nervous in those doctors rooms. Like I was taking a huge test (Which I suppose, I was)

He tested blood pressure, cholesterol etc and that was all fine. I just now have to go for a mammogram, because I have a lump in my breast. I had an ultrasound on the lump a few years ago and was given the all clear, but he just wants to make sure that its still OK. We also have to have a letter from my regular GP to say that my husband and I are both stable because we are on Anti Depressants. (This bugs me a bit)

What bugs me is the feeling that my life and everything about us is being evaluated. OK, I know that it is…..but it bugs me because any friggin drug taking crack head can fall pregnant, but we have to be evaluated to see if we are ‘good enough’ to be parents.

These feelings are new to me. I’m very aware that I am in a different world now with a different set of feelings and a different set of rules. I really don’t know how couples manage to do the two together.

I also have hectic PMS and I am seriously thinking that I should go on the pill. I don’t have very high hopes that I will ever fall pregnant naturally, but during this stressful time I really want to take away all opportunities for that to happen. I spent three days wondering ‘what if’ this month and I really can’t handle it. I also want some sort of balance in hormones, my skin and my PMS are out of control. All in all feeling very out of control at the moment. I am having a WHY-ME-ITS-NOT-FAIR moment. Which is expected and is also okay.

I need to learn to be patient. I can see that this process is going to go on until the end of the year, and while I though I was ok with all this waiting in the beginning, it may get to me more than I expected. I suppose its also just a process of getting used to the idea and learning to live with new realities.

Oh well, Cest la vie, it is was it is.

The end result is all worth it. At least we only have to do this screening thing once. Our next step is to get the medical report back from the GP and then make another appointment with out social worker. Unfortunately I can only see he mid September as I have some travel coming up. So, I’m really aiming for us to be on the actual list by the end of the year. Patience, patience, patience.

Advertisements