I feel f*&ing crap today!!!! My heart is so sore and I’m feeling very low.

I was really hoping to skip this part, but here it comes in full force!!! I woke up on Thursday morning feeling really crap. I met my mom and a friend for a drink on Wednesday night………..way too many cigarettes and way to much wine. Its the way that it goes with me. Drown my sorrows and punish my body. Although half the time I really don’t mean for it to go that way.

Its forced me to admit that I am not doing as well as I thought I was. I know that the world must go on and I know that this will pass, but jeepers it HURTS! It hurts everywhere!!!

I feel like screaming, or throwing something, but I have noone to scream at! Noone to blame because that is just the way it goes. And I know that there is no plaster or cure for this feeling. I just have to go through the motions and try my best to be strong.

I really had so much hope for this IVF, and I know that moving forward with adoption is the right thing for us, but today I realised how much hope I had for a pregnancy this year. We made the decision to move on if this cycle failed at the beginning of the year, but I never thought I would actually be here now.

I wish I could fast forward this part….its gonna be rough. Oh my word it is going to be rough.