On the weekend I started to feel it! The anger and the sadness. The guilt and the madness. It really frustrates me because I have done this grieving thing so many times. This particular grieving process, at least. I know the feelings and I know what to expect and that makes me even more angry.
Some part of me is also wondering if this time will be a little different. Its not just the BFN this time, but the loss of another dream. The dream of a pregnancy. The dream of a genetic child for my husband. He had the most precious blonde curls when he was a little boy and I really hoped that our future child would inherit them. I am so on board with the adoption process and I am so not interested in doing treatment, but I realise that we have come to the end of something. The end of fertility treatment and the end of hope for nine months of pregnancy.
I so wished that this would have worked! And the only reason I have is that the universe wasn’t ready for this to happen for me. That is a really tough pill to swallow. Although in saying that I’m not sure what would have been easier.
Entering into the process of adoption has been refreshing so far, but I am very aware that I am saying goodbye to something else. The world of fertility treatment offers you different things, good and bad. Its been part of my life and my marriage for seven years, and now I must move on and move forward. So here’s to the things I’ll miss……………and some that I won’t.
Things I’ll miss about fertility treatment.
The excitement and hope: There is nothing like the absolute over the edge hope and excitement that IVF cultivates. I launch myself into it every time. I don’t think that I would have gotten through any IVF without it. Its such a great feeling.
The technology: It amazes me. Little embryos growing in a dish, cells dividing, all in the interests of making the previously impossible…..possible.
Things I won’t miss about fertility treatment.
The fear: Oh, the fear. How many eggs will we get? How many will fertilize? Am I pregnant? What will I do if this doesn’t happen?
The meds: Hormones can drive you crazy and they mess with your body! This is besides the bloody bruising and other wonderful side effects.
The psychological torture: Guilt, anger, happiness! Did I do enough? Has my husband been healthy enough? Are we doing this at the right time? Why didn’t this work? Will this work? Why me?!?
……….and thats the short list.