OK, be warned…..this may come across as controversial. So DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts feelings and opinions.
I’ve been thinking a lot about hope over the last few weeks. Especially when I receive one of those well meaning comments. When I speak to ‘outsiders’ about my upcoming IVF I normally receive some free ass-vice. The last three have been;
1. Add seeds to your diet. Patrick Holford swears by it! I did try to explain that my hormones will mostly be controlled synthetically, but the concept was lost.
2. Maybe you should try ‘Body Talk’. The concept behind this is that every emotion has a response on a cellular level. So a release of emotion will correct a cellular problem, therefore correcting the physical.
3. I know this doctor that uses this machine to scan your body and then gives you natural medicine to correct the problem.
Firstly, I must state that I wasn’t really angered by these comments. Or at least not to the extent that I used to be. I received them gracefully and swiftly changed the topic.
For me, these suggestions all represent a much deeper degree of hope. One that I do not have. I do believe that these solutions have their place, but I just don’t believe that they have a place ….for me.
Some problems are harder to solve. POF can’t be fixed! It can just leave you with different options. Once your eggs are broken, they are broken and there is no turning back.
I am often faced with the phrase, ‘You never know’, and I really wish I had that much hope, but I don’t. My hope does not extend to those kinds of miracles. Sure it would be nice, but I don’t believe that it will happen to me. Maybe to others….but not to me! I believe that I will be a mother through egg donation or adoption. That is my miracle and that is where I have my hope.
My hope only goes so far and no further. I have faith in doctors and research and hard facts. My doctor knows what he is doing and I will not challenge his diagnosis. I have hope in him! I can’t believe in seeds and herbs anymore. Not after seven years.
Maybe it’s my pride that limits my hope. I can’t believe that what I have been doing all this time is wrong! That I should have abandoned medical intervention years ago and left my fate up to pure hope and chance? For me, it doesn’t work that way.
Years ago when we first started this journey I received some very wise words and I have never ever forgotten them. We had just had our second failed IVF with my eggs and I was chatting to a friend and her father about the use of donor eggs. He is a very religious man and his words to me were very wise. “Don’t limit the miracle.” For me this meant that any child is a miracle and for me to insist that the child came from my own eggs would be a limitation in that miracle. They were hard words for me to swallow at the time, but to this day I believe that they were the most wise words I have ever been offered.
My hope extends to God. He has promised me a child, and I pray that he will allow me the wonderful experience of pregnancy. If not I hope he will shorten the wait for our adopted child, but either way I have hope and faith in HIM that he will make us a family. And I thank him now, because I believe it is true.
I would love to hear your comments and views on the depth of your hope. We are all so different and I’m sure we all have different opinions. Your opinions are respected here, please also respect mine.