I was reading Mash’s post on marriage and infertility and I started to think honestly about the effect that IF has had on my marriage.
I commented on her post saying;
I definitely identify with this feeling. My DH tried to tell me that he would never leave me a couple of weeks ago. He started of by saying “I could find another woman to have a baby with….” Unfortunately I freaked out and started shouting at him, when I finally calmed down he said, “You didn’t let me finish. I could but I won’t because all I want is you” I think that husbands who endure this journey are really really special. Thank-goodness for them.
The post and the comment got me thinking……
Now , I have been known to be a little bit of a control freak. Ask anyone of my family and they will agree, I like to be the boss and I like to be in control. I have been known to boss people around and I prefer life when everyone just does what I want. I tend to say what I think and can sometimes come across as a know-it-all or ‘on my high horse’. I’m passionate and once I decide that I believe in something it is not easy to change my views. I have very strong values that I live by and I expect those around me to adopt them. If they don’t then the relationship fizzles out.
And then I wondered…..am I too hard on him? Do I give him enough credit or am I just so pissed off with the world that I end up taking it out on him. I tend to be very snappy and controling during these times and I can imagine that it can be quite a drain. Have I ever really been empathetic towards him?
Do I ever tell him that I appreciate what he has gone through for me?
Do I acknowledge the love he shows me, just by staying with me?
Have I given him enough emotional support for what he has been through?
Have I forgotten to acknowledge that nearly all his bonuses have gone to paying of IVF debt?
Somehow I am so angry with the world that I am in, that sometimes I miss the special parts of him. The times when he just lets me be and waits patiently for me to return to my normal self. Maybe I want to be able to blame this journey on someone and maybe sometimes I take it out on him.
I snap at him when he suggests something like going to the gym saying, seeing this as an attack rather than a good idea. I misinterpret it as an accusation of why it didn’t work last time.
It’s difficult to let go when you want to be so in control. When you are used to being the boss and then you realise that you’ve been thrown into a world of chaos.
I acknowledge you my wonderful possem. I love you! Thank-you for being there for me.