The problem with finding yourself in a Big Fat Hole is that you only realise that you are there when you are immersed in it. It happens very quickly, but the signs are so subtle that you don’t even notice them. It’s the small things, and they get magnified the deeper you go into the hole. Take for example a simple remark, “Maybe you should try seeds in your diet.” The fire inside you may flicker or explode depending on how deep the hole is.

Those who have been in the hole a few times will agree with me when I say that it seems to get deeper and deeper every time, making it more and more of an effort to get out. Sometimes the hole can even become quite homely. You get used to the surroundings and you accept them……Home Sweet Home.

Noone can help you out of the hole. You have to do it yourself, and this takes energy!

There are different tools for everyone to get out of the hole.

Time;

Therapy;

Blogging;

Talking;

Tears;

The problem is that the deeper the hole the less effective they are. You’ll find that the tools you were able to use in your first hole are looking a little battered. They have played their part and now you feel like they have lost their power. You find that you have to do a lot more work and you have to get yourself to WANT to do the work as well. Some days are easy, yet other days you find yourself sliding back.

I’m going to try!

I think a good place to start is to realise where I am……which is in the hole. I know that I will be fine, but I also know that I am not fine right now. It’s all a process and it takes time and effort. I think that I have been neglecting myself, and telling myself that I am ok when I’m not. Right now it feels good to acknowledge that I am not fine and admit that I am not superwoman. It also makes me feel better to acknowledge that I have to do the work to get out of here.

Yesterday, a year ago we were so happy! We had just received our first BFP, which would unfortunately not last as long as we wanted. I have to start to believe that it is possible for that to happen again. I have to start getting my mind in ‘cycle’ mode again.

It’s my birthday on Monday and I have vowed to make it a great day. My husband and I are going to spend the day in the Botanical gardens and then maybe see a movie. We are also celebrating on Saturday with close friends and family and I can’t wait!

I also need to get my body moving! I have already joined the gym and I need to make an effort to get there now. My goal is not weight loss, it’s rather to boost serotonin and bust that stress.

So for now friends, I am not fine, but I will be!

I’m going to work hard at getting out of this hole!

P.S. I have arranged to have a late June transfer with this cycle. So I have some time to work on me!!!

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