So last week we chose our donor. It was a really tough decision because we had two that were suitable for us from different agencies. I kept on going back and forward with the decision, until finally we settled on one. She is a proven donor which swayed my decision towards her and I now feel at peace about the decision to go with her.

However last week I had a bit of a wobbly and in some ways I am still in that space. It happened on Thursday on my way to a friends house. I just started to cry……the type of cry where there are no real tears just loads and loads of emotion and anger. I just felt so out of control. It was almost as if I JUST realized that I got a BFN.

I think that making a decision to go with a donor made this next cycle quite final and I started to  AM panicking. I really really want to go ahead because I just so want to be pregnant, but I am so scared of another failure.  I’m not sure I would cope. My think positive and be positive attitude has flown out of the window. I realize what a joke this all is. I know that I have said this before, but it really has hit home for me. IVF is like the lotto, you either win …or you loose. It’s so stuffed up! I was SO convinced that the last cycle had worked!

I am so angry that we have to do this again. I am not excited at all! In fact I really hope the screening and syncing takes some time, which I think it will.

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