Being infertile can really make a difference in how you see the world. On the positive side there is a lot of empathy, understanding and depth. And on the negative side there is a lot of anger, sadness, envy and frustration.
Lets talk about the positive side. This side shows it’s face on ocassion, now I am not saying that I am a negative person in general, but I can definitely say that when it comes to infertility my warm and fuzzy moments are greatly exceeded by my angry and bitchy moments. I don’t think that ‘life sucks’ and I am not ‘dark and twisty’ about life in general. I just don’t have cuddly feelings when I look back at my journey. What I do have is a deeper sense of empathy for the troubles of others. I have cultivated an attitude of sensitivity in trying to understand another person’s situation, I would not compare myself to Mother Teresa, but I do feel that some people don’t take the time to understand others. Even if it is just an acknowledgement of their pain.
I have a greater understanding of who I am. I know that I am strong. Stronger than I thought I could be. I would never have imagined that I would be here six and a half years ago. There has been lots of pain to sort through. Lots of time has been spent grieving and I have emerged stronger in some ways.
I remind you and me of these positive elements for where I am about to go now. To the ugly side, to the bitchy-barbie-I-can’t-stand-bloody-fertile-people side.
On this side, I’m really pissed off. I’m pissed of at the woman who says, “I just look at my husband and I fall pregnant” – Why don’t you shut the f*&ck up. I can’t think of anyone who would possibly be interested in this information. It’s just bragging.
I’m pissed of with the woman who says ” We tried for a year, so I know what you are going through” – Oh please! Yes, I understand that those twelve months of bonking was very hard for you! 🙂 But you never had to be prodded and poked, you never had to have an injection in your but everyday. It’s a different ball game sweety!
I’m pissed of with the woman who tells me to relax because it worked for her aunts cousins friggin daughter in law.
I am jealous of the friends I see on facebook or at the mall that have two children and started trying after us.
I am pissed of at the acquaintance that took herself of the pill without telling her drug addict boyfriend and is now pregnant in one month!
I am pissed off with the woman who has three kids and feels sorry for herself because her husband has been sterilized, because she wants just one more.
I’m annoyed at celebrities that have miracle twins in their late 30’s or 40’s We all know that it’s all a lie, but it lead others to believe that they can do it too.
I get annoyed with the woman who delays her family until after 35 because her mother fell pregnant with her at 40.
Please understand that I also know that the people in these scenarios are not personally to blame. They are just bystanders, completely oblivious to what they are doing.
I know that some of you can identify with this anger or any kind of anger that comes from being misinterpreted or misunderstood.
So my question to you is? Do we have the right to try and get rid of it! Or are we just bitches then? Should we keep quiet about our feelings and keep them locked up inside? Or should we express it?
I am interested to know your thoughts.