It’s funny how a miscarriage can mess with your emotions.

Sometimes, I’m fine and then sometimes I’m not. I’m a little sensitive at the moment.

A couple of weeks ago I was very very angry again. It was that hot bubbling anger that makes you want to scream or punch someone. That anger that asks why? and How? and When? and eventually PLEASE PLEASE never again!  The crap thing is that there is nothing that anyone can do to make you feel better. You are stuck in this odd period of sadness, anger and there is nowhere for it to go. Noone that you can scream at! It’s noones fault! It JUST happened, you JUST lost your baby. And life goes on…….

I would have been about 36 weeks now. If all had worked out I would be meeting my little boy in two weeks time. So why think about it at all? Why not just put it out of my mind forever? Well, as I am learning, that is not possible. The sadness comes back at odd moments when you least expect it.

Like when I attended my cousins wedding a few weeks ago. I was sitting sipping on my wine listening to the speeches and then remembered a conversation I had with my aunt when she heard about my BFP in May. We discussed how I would be nearly due by the wedding and I wouldn’t be drinking blah blah blah. Yet there I sat watching my cousins one year old and sipping the wine a little faster.

I know that I can’t change what happened, but as it gets closer to my due date I feel like I need to acknowledge this loss of mine! It may have been forgotten by others, which is okay. But I feel like I-WANT-TO ACKNOWLEDGE where I would have been.

Is this normal!

 

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