This is not a melodramatic-oh-poor-me post. I’m not looking for a pick me up or pity, I just feel shit! That is the only way I can explain it. Shit, shit, shit! And I have to get it out!
When I look back at 2009 I can only see failure. I really don’t know where everything went wrong, but it seems that it did and I am now sitting in a bad bad place. Sure I have had weeks when I have felt a bit better, but generally from my birthday (the day I had my third beta) my life seems to have gone from bad to worse. Or at least that is how I feel!
Fail point number one: My first miscarriage!
When I think about it it makes me want to cry. I still can’t really believe that it happened, and even though I know that I was just a statistic and I played no part in it happening, I still somehow feel like I have failed. No amount of telling me that it is not true seems to help. It hurt so much at the time and the hurt seems to have surfaced again. I suspect that it has something to do with how far I would be in my pregnancy now. Yet no big tummy, no baby room prepared…….
Fail point two: Closure of one of our businesses
Okay, this was mainly due to our business partners not pulling their weight. But in the end…failure! A project failed with so much wasted time and work that went into it. What a waste!
Fail point three: I started smoking again.
I have no good reason, but I am certainly disappointed in myself.
What is left is an really bitter feeling. I’m not sure if I have lost all faith in humanity and trust in the human race. I’m not sure if I need to toughen up or if I can justify these feelings. Maybe something in between.
What I do know is that my body is taking strain….The Shingles are back!