The conversation took place with a very dear family member on Saturday night. He asked the question in a very caring manner and I actually had to think about the answer. But I find in being asked the question I was ‘forced’ to think about it properly. I am also pretty sure that I am in a better place now, allowing me to think more clearly about the question.
My answer was simple, although I’m not sure it can be called an answer.
At this point in time I still believe that it will happen for me. I am not near giving up and I can not imagine my life without children. To consider the answer to the question is not an option for me at this moment because I believe too much in the success of one of the next two attempts. Truth be told, I would love to move on to adoption, but I have to accept that my husband is not. I am truely thankful for the opportunity to carry a child and to give my husband a chance to continue his genetics, as hard as it is for me to say goodbye to my own.
Using donor eggs ‘feels’ like my answer, and I almost feel like considering a life without children would be like loosing faith in that answer. It would be denying that feeling that I have in my heart.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking that I am foolish not to consider the question. But I truely believe in working with the current reality before moving on to a ‘what if’. I’m sure that there will be enough time to think about it when I get there, and I don’t want to put any energy into the answer at this time.
I just can’t believe that my destiny does not include children. Maybe I am stubborn or spoilt, but I almost feel like it is my right.
I’d love to hear about where you are with this question.