So let’s break the silence shall we?

To say I’ve been in a bit of a dark place lately may be a slight understatement! I’ve been feeling hurt, angry, sad, useless, hopeless and really negative about life. I have cried and cried and cried. Withdrawn from my friends, lied about how I was feeling and thought the darkest of thoughts. I’ve been dangerously depressed, on the edge, not coping! The smallest things have lead me to cry buckets and white wine and cigarettes have been my best friend.

I’ve been here before and it’s not fun, but thankfully revisiting this place has helped me not to fall too hopelessly deep into ‘the hole’. I’ve know what I have needed to do to stop myself from slipping and have mustered just enough energy to hang on. It’s been really really tough friends. Really tough.

My salvation has come from a support system that I could not have done without. My husband, my mom, my best friend and some very very special new friends have held me close and held me up. You guys know exactly who you are and I want to thank you. You are precious to me and I cherish our friendship. Your comfort, understanding and gentle ‘nudging’ have been a blessing to me. I hope our friendship grows beyond the shitty experiences we share. I hope we can share some happy events in the near future.

I haven’t been able to blog lately because it’s just been too dark. But hopefully with a little luck I’ll be back to my normal self soon. This past week has been positive and I feel a bit more confident about emerging from this place.

My original plan was to do my FET in Aug/Sep, but in reality it was just too soon for me and I was also concerned about the business. So the next thought was to FET in Jan and take the year off, which I was also very comfortable with. Then last week I was informed that I would probably have to go to Dubai in Feb, which meant that I would be putting off our FET for another month or two. SIGH! Then last night we had some friends around for a braai and she asked me, ‘When are you going to do your FET?’ ‘Why don’t you just do it in Dec?’, she said. My first reaction was negative because of the Dubai trip in Feb and the mindset that I wanted the end of the year is a stressful time. To which she rattled off the following reasons to the contrary,

1. December is not a stressful time as I will be on leave and will be able to have transfer and then go home and relax.

2. If I do get a BFP, I can still fly in my first trimester.

3. If it’s a BFN, I can do some healing at home in peace and quiet.

So, I’m gonna do it, and I feel really good about the decision. When I woke up this morning I felt wonderful about the decision. I now have a plan, and something positive to work towards. It makes me smile inside when I think about it. I know it’s going to be difficult, but I’ve got this wonderful support system out there. So here we go…..let’s see what hapens! I’m going to talk money with my stepfather tomorrow. Deep breath!

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