I wrote this post about a month ago and I want to share it with you. I must admit that I didn’t press ‘publish’ on the day I wrote it because I was quite embarrassed about the way I felt. I was disappointed at how my feelings and actions had changed. But I feel that I want to share this with you now. I think it’s a pretty angry post and some may take offense, but others, that have felt the same will identify.
My best friend has PCOS and is trying for her second child. She has been trying for about four months now and is currently doing a timed cycle with clomid. No trigger, just scan assisted, and progesterone from the day of assumed ovulation. She goes for a pregnancy test today and I really am hoping that it works for her this month. Really!
I went to go and visit her on Tuesday after work and she was telling me about how she really hopes that this cycle works. She doesn’t really feel like going through this again and it is very expensive (R1000).
To which I replied “R1000! Try paying R65 000 for a cycle and then see how you feel”
A few weeks before this I also snapped at her husband. She was chatting to me about going for a scan and starting her clomid.
His comment to all of this was ” Why does it have to be such a science experiement? Why can it just happen naturally?”
To which I replied, “BECAUSE SOMETIMES LIFE IS SHIT! SO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT!”
Then this morning I realised. I have become insensitive! And now I am feeling a little guilty.
As someone that has been through a couple of clomid timed cycles should I not be much more empathetic about this. Shouldn’t I? If I think back to that time I can remember how difficult and emotional it was for me. But I kinda feel that ‘current me’ would want to give ‘the past me’ a little bit of a slap. Tell her to friggin get over it because there are things ahead that are going to hurt 10 000 000 more times than this.
I suppose what I realised is how much infertility has changed me and disturbed me. Maybe I should be a little more empathetic, but I am finding it really really difficult.
When you have faced,
1.Many invasive tests. HSG xrays, post-coitals, laparoscopes, scans, hysteroscopy’s.
2. An IVF – Which is hectic in it’s own right.
3. Facing and accepting that you will never have a child genetically related to you.
4. And then finally thinking you have won the race only to be knocked down.
I’m not saying that the hurt is any different. I’m not saying that one treatment qualifies you for more hurt than the other.
There is a point that you get to when there are only a few people who understand. I must admit that sometimes I don’t even understand. I do not know how to talk myself down or comfort myself. It’s a very difficult place to be in and it is very difficult to describe it.
Tell me if you identify.
This is not about how much treatment you have had, or how long you have been on this journey. It’s about being in a space where your empathy levels have decreased and you are running on empty. There is no energy to get excited about other peoples cycles, no matter what they are doing. You are tired and it takes a lot of effort to go forward.
The feeling comes and goes. Some days you are just dandy and others you are JUST NOT!
Have you been there?