On Thursday afternoon I went back to the clinic to have my office hysteroscope, just to make sure that the D&C left no scarring. While I was sitting on that couch in the waiting room where I always seem to sit I realised how much has happened in the last few months and how many different emotions I have felt sitting on that couch.
I remember sitting on that couch and feeling so good because I was pregnant. I have never ever felt as good as I did in those first couple of days. I felt like I had conquered the world, which in a way I had. It was my happy ending after six years of shit. Six years of watching friends fall pregnant all around me. Six years of tears and anger, of highs and lows. On that coach on that day I was so high on happiness. No one could touch me.
Little did I know that I would feel terrified on my next visit, which also happened to be my birthday (urgh). Sitting there having just had my blood drawn, for the tenth time, waiting the prescribed 45 minutes for my third beta. The number that can bring you right down from that high you were on. The number that caused me to spend the rest of my birthday under my duvet crying.
A lot of emotion has been experienced on that couch. That couch can be terrifying, intimidating, inviting and bloody fantastic!
The hysterscope showed a beautifully healed uterus, hopefully capable of holding onto a little embryo in September. We also got the results of the D&C back. No genetic problems and it was a little boy.
I love you my little Benjamin. To me you were so real even if it was for such a short time. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay. I will never forget you.
I get to sit on the couch again in August when I have to be scanned between CD2 and CD4. Then we started again. BCP in August and hopefully transfer of two frosties in September.