I can’t believe that it is the 1 June already. Half the year has just flown by in a heartbeat.
Yesterday I was thinking about the events that have happened so far and realised how stressful this first half of the year has been. It seems I have just gone from one big event to the other with no time to breathe in between. The big events being work and fertility related with not much else in between. I found myself stopping to think about how much relaxing I have done and how much ‘me time’ I have had and the answer is NONE! I realised that I actually haven’t had much time to really ‘let go’ because I have always had something to keep me in a ‘stressed’ state.
I also realised that I am responsible for this current state of mine. I really haven’t allowed myself to do the soul searching I need to do. These first few weeks after the miscarriage have been quite surreal to me, like it is happening to someone else. I also don’t think that I have really allowed myself to ‘not be ok’.
I am guilty of being the rescuer. I always have been.
I care about people deeply, but sometimes it is too the detriment of my own soul.
People always tell you to ‘look after yourself’ or ‘take it easy’ after a traumatic event, but the problem is that you are probably in too much shock to really understand what that means. It’s like you hear the words and think ‘Okay’ and then carry on as you were before. It’s almost as if they are saying that to someone else.
In taking stock of where I am and how I got here I realise that I really have to be kinder to myself. So I suppose that I just have to acknowledge that I have recently experienced a trauma. Something that should not be taken lightly, something that should be acknowledged as a life changing event. And as a result I need to look after myself more. Maybe I can be a little selfish, maybe allow myself some quiet time.
Maybe acknowledge that I am not as strong as I think I am.
Allow myself more time to grieve this loss. And realise that I’m not going to be OK overnight.
I guess the main lesson is that I do not have to be strong for everyone else. I don’t need to play the part of superwoman and heal myself overnight.
This shit is tough man!!! It’s really tough.
Lastly, this is not about having a pity-party. This is more about acknowledging that things are going to be a little difficult for a while, and that is okay. I’m giving myself permission.