So an update on my emotional state is…..
After my last post I fell and I fell HARD and FAST.
I just could not stop crying and crying and crying….
I went home on Wednesday evening and CRIED. I got to work on Thursday, spent the morning looking at my computer screen and then….started the crying AGAIN.
I never ever could have imagined that this would be so so difficult to deal with. IT’S SO CRAP! I can’t even explain how CRAP it is! And noone can really do anything for you. I mean like REALLY REALLY do something!!!
They can provide small comforts that get you through, which I am so thankful for. But they can’t do anything to move you to a better place. And it seems that getting there requires lots and lots of tears.
At the begining of the week all I wanted to do was try again, BUT LIKE NOW. Like lets do embryo transfer RIGHT NOW!!
I kind of realise now that this was definately part of the grieving cycle. I had realised just what I was dealing with and my reaction was to do anything to reverse the reality. The reality that I was not pregnant anymore. That I can drink and smoke and go mad, and there is no little person there to look after. That little twinkle in your eye is gone. You aren’t ‘special’ anymore.
Once you realise this you have to deal with it. Even though everything in you is resisting. Because, this can’t be happening. How could something so wonderful be snatched from you so harshly. These kinds of things don’t happen to me…..I have just heard of them.
When those tears are falling it is almost like your body is morning something that your soul hasn’t even acknowledged yet. It is preparing you to get there….To get to the place where the reality can settle into your brain and you can actual start to work with what you have. Start to acknowledge what has hapened and start to move forward…
Today I feel like I have taken a small step forward as a result of all the tears this week. I hated every moment of getting here, but now I can say that I have survived. Or I am surviving.
One thing is very clear …..this experience changes you forever. It is ugly and raw and cruel.
I know I’ll get to the otherside though. Just not sure what the other side is yet. One thing is for sure I can’t go back…..Even though I so badly want to.
NOTE: This is how I am feeling. If you feel that I am being overly moany or whiny then please keep it too yourself….If you identify with any of these feelings please tell me. Then I can at least know that I am not going completely mad.