So it has been a week since I got the bad news……… I can honestly say that this is the most difficult thing I have had to deal with in my life so far. I have never felt such a deep sadness and such a strong emptyness. Nobody can heal these feelings. They need to be felt and recognised. They are very very real and very very scary. But one thing is for sure, I need to ‘own them’ and work through them properly.Pretending that I am okay is not going to work. I’m going to do whatever I can to really heal properly. I don’t quite know what that is yet but I’ll discover it along the way. The weekend was horrible. So now I know what NOT to do. We had so many events on and I was torn between attending them or moping around under my duvet covers, but in the end I went. I now think the duvet cover option would have been better. Friday night was spent out to supper with the family, where we were seated right next to a couple with a newborn (typical!) I got through the evening in between teary moments and had an early night. Not so much of a bad night, I was just feeling low. Saturday… was a bit of a tough one. My husband went off to watch the superbikes at Kyalami which I think was good. I know that he is dealing with this in a very different way to me. With this in condsideration I think it was better for him to have a nice guys day out than to watch me sob and sob and sob for most of the day. It was also better for me to be able to have a real good sob without trying to be strong for him. By about 1pm I was sick of the crying so I took half of one of my mom’s sleeping tablets and just escaped in a sleep for a bit. I was then woken up with a phone call from my mom to say she was coming to visit. We sat and drank a bottle of wine together which made me feel better. At this point I could have done with a nice evening in. Maybe a nice movie and another bottle of wine…….but no, we had agreed that we would go to a 30th. *Sigh* It wasn’t the worst experience in the world, but I really didn’t appreciate the HUGE hangover I had the next morning. Thanks to the TEQUILA, SUITCASES and box of CIGGIES I consumed! It would have been okay if I could have spent the day on the coach but I had to play “look at my happy face” at another family function. I must say when I got home last night I was so relieved. We made supper and I fell straight into bed, I really was exhausted. So what are my plans for this weekend….NOTHING! We are gonna watch movies and drink nice wine and cook delicious food and just chill. It’s exactly what I need. Today I am still feeling sad, but not as teary. I miss being pregnant. I miss having some small someone to look after. I miss not drinking wine and being healthy and going to bed early……all because I am responsible for another tiny life. I feel a little bit like a part of me has been removed, like I have lost my best friend. The sadness is very very real. I know it will ease one step at a time. Slowly slowly. I am just trying to be as kind to myself as possible. The one thing I know for sure is….I can’t wait to do my FET. I will have my baby, not matter what!!!! This is just a detour.

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