Yesterday I woke up smiling. I was so positive that I was going to see our baby’s heartbeat. I still had that slight doubt in my mind, but overall I had a good feeling.

Friday evening was miserable because I had some questionable spotting. But when it stopped on Saturday morning I put it out of my mind and rememberd what one of the docs had said “45% of IVF patients will spot” So the spotting was NOT going to ruin my positive frame of mind…….until I spoke to my best friend on Skype. I suppose I knew that the spotting was not good in the back of my mind, but I had been through such a confusing few weeks that I supose I reckoned that I was being granted a miracle. But after this conversation I was not so sure…..

Friend: nervous?
Me: Yip. I had some bleeding on Friday night.
Me: But it had turned into spotting by the morning
Me: And now there is none
Friend: was it red red?
Me: But it drives your mind INSANE
Me: Well what is red?
Friend: not brownish
Me: I had red the last bleed as well.
Me: It was brown then went red and then turned brown again
Friend: hmmmm….it is not a great sign but hopefully this is the ‘normal’ spotting they talk about in pregnancy. I dont know enough because i never had spotting except once and it turned out to be more of a smudge

So off I went to go and get scanned with a lump in my throat.

Dr J came into the room and gave us both an empathetic smile. “What are we looking for?” I asked. “We are looking to see what is happening and where it is happening”

It wasn’t difficult to see that there wasn’t a heart beat. It was also easy to see that Dr was not happy. He measure and remeasured until he said, “This preganany is not progressing well at all. We need to make some decision”

I was told to stop all medication and let nature take it’s course. Which it has… I am bleeding already! I was given the option of a D & C, but I am going to see what my next scan looks like on Monday. This scan should show a smaller sac or none at all.

This morning I did not wake up smiling. I woke up with incredible pain in my heart. I can’t believe that this is happening to us. It’s so cruel.