Well, I can safely say that yesterday was one of the sadest days of my life. We had the beta first thing in the morning.

I knew from by the way we were called through that it was not good news.

136 from 111.

Dr J came up to talk to us and basically told us that there was a slim chance that this was a viable pregnancy. He said there was a very very small chance that one of the embryo’s were ‘bombing out’. But that was a very small chance. So we made the decision to stop all medication and let nature take it’s course. I have to have another beta tomorrow to check that my beta is going down…….

I hate that feeling of sitting in a doctors office and trying to keep your self together. We made it to the parking lot and then just hugged each other and cried. It is and was horrible.

The rest of the day was spent lying on the couch watching Friends. In between sleeping, crying and screening my birthday calls. All of my family are devastated and obviously we are.

How can you be given something so special just to have it taken away. I am so angry and hurt. Wierdly, I feel guilty for getting everyone so excited. I feel like I have let them down. I know that I haven’t when I think about it logically. But I still feel it. I feel like an idiot for getting so excited, for thinking that everything would be ok. But mostly I am so angry that I actually have to go through this. Have we not had six years of ENOUGH!!! Is it not time…..

One thing I do know is that I can’t stop, but I need time.