To ICLW readers: This post is about the feelings I experienced yesterday when I got my first BFP.I truely understand if it is not for you at this time. 🙂
So I seem to have started to realise that this is not just a dream. Yesterday was the wierdest, happiest, scariest day I have ever had.
You never know how you are going to react to these things when they happen for the first time. So here is my account, and once again if you do not feel like reading it I will totally understand.
After seeing the spotting on Sunday I was so scared. The spotting made that horrible ‘what if’ feeling apear. It’s the crappiest part of an IVF. The feeling I know so well. I called the lab and the nurse told me that a urine MAY pick up pregnancy at 11dp3dt. I phoned my mom for her opinion and she reckoned “Don’t waste your time with a urine just go staright for the blood” But for some reason I was too scared to do the blood. I’m sure you know the feeling a urine can always be wrong, but blood is correct.
Anyway, I got the test and did it as soon as I woke up yesterday. After three minutes I looked at told hubby. “Oh okay, it’s negative. No problem we will do our bloods on Wednesday.” But then I looked again……and there was another faint line.
On letting my mom and my best friend know about the urine they were convinced I should go for the bloods. So I went to and had it done. That 45 minutes was really really long…..When the woman at Lancet looked at the result, she just looked at me and nodded. I just burst into tears.
By the time I got back to my office my phone had started ringing, between my mom and my dad the news had spread like wildfire. I have always said that we should wait a while before telling everyone, so I felt a bit wierd about it. Almost like I was a fraud, like I had told a huge lie. Even saying “I’m pregnant” didn’t feel right, and it still feels wierd. It is such a bizarre feeling.
Today I have started to work on allowing myself to ‘feel it’. Do you know what I mean? The thought that this could be taken away from me is TERRIFYING, and it keeps popping into my head. When I tell people about this feeling they tell me “to just be positive”, “pray for a doubling beta”, “thank God for what he has done.” On reflection I think they are right. I need to get my mind into a positive space. The space that allows you to believe and be fully happy.
So down the rabbit hole I go again. The other option is going to drive me insane.