What a blissfully relaxing weekend I have had.
It has consisted of lunches with family and days spent with best friends and reading and DVD watching and all those fantastically relaxing activities.

And now it is back to work tomorrow URGH! I feel sad about going back. Once again I realise how much I HATE it, as I did after the Christmas hols. But what can you do? Not much I’m afraid. You just have to be happy that you have a job.

So an update on my TWW madnes. I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole of optimism. I’m not ‘buying baby clothes’ optimistic, I’m not even ‘thinking of baby names’ optimistic. I’m not even ‘symptom analysis in overdrive’ optimistic. It is something inside, a calm optimism that I can’t really explain. I feel convinced that this is going to work. And I’m not too sure if that is a good thing. I say this because I know how far I’ll have to fall if it doesn’t. My husband is quietly guarded and hoping. I know he feels the same way as me, but verbalises it rarely.

I feel a slight twinge of guilt for feeling this way.  I feel guilty for ‘letting’ myself go this far. For letting myself believe this deeply that it will work. I am sure you know the feeling. And then I think….why shouldn’t I? Should I not just let myself go and enjoy that feeling of hapiness for a while. I know very well that it can change in a second!

I can’t remember if I let myself fall this far last time. But I don’t think that I did. It definetly has something to do with this being a donor IVF. As well as the fact that we got such a great fertilisation rate and such good embryos. I have never had that before.

The question I ask is? How far should you allow yourself to fall down the rabbit hole? Before you pull yourself back . Do you jump, or absail slowly slowly. Or is it wiser not to even look.The farther you go the higher you have to climb if your dream is shattered.

This is the essence of why an IVF is so difficult.

You are positive, but you mustn’t be too positive.
You know what the reality is, but you chase it out of your brain because you don’t want to deal with it until you have to.
You protect yourself in so many different ways. Even by sometimes convincing yourself that it hasn’t worked at all.

I certainly don’t have the answer. Maybe it is unwise for me to be this positive, but maybe next week I won’t feel the same anymore. Who knows. I do know that I am quite enjoying the positive feeling.

And so we wait…..

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