There is something about an IVF that makes you reminicent. This last week has made me think back to our previous IVF’s. I’ve been thinking about all the disappointment we have had to endure up to this point. It may not seem like a lot to some, but I feel it deeply and I know my darling husband does too. One thing I know we will never forget is our last embryo. Who we regretably lovingly named Eggbert. We’ll never forget our eggbert because he/she meant so much to us. Eggbert was our last chance, our last hope.
It was in May 2005 that we did our second IVF. I remember we had gone straight from our first IVF into our second. After our first negative Dr J had chatted to us about the possiblilty of my egg quality being questionable. He explained that we did not have such a good fertilisation rate and my high FSH was an indicator of poor egg quality. (AMH was not available at this point) He explained that we could try a second IVF, but we needed to take my questionable eggs into consideration. I still remember sitting in his office listening to him say the words, but I don’t think it really sank in until much much later. So of we went, IVF number two was happening, and according to us it was going to work!!! Because we were good people and we deserved a baby. *smile*
Somewhere in the back of our minds we both knew that this was our last chance to have a baby using my eggs, but we never acknowledged it. We never REALLY talked about it. We crossed the IVF milestones one at a time. DJ even went with me to my first scan, where he got to see the last seven eggs we would use…….
I kept the scan.
The day we went to do embryo transfer we were told that Dr V wanted to talk to us first. WTF!! He showed us our only remaining embryo and explained to us that there was slight fragmentation already, but miracles do happen, so we will still tranfer it. And we did!
During the TWW we came up with a name for him/her, ‘eggbert’. And then a couple of days after we went to do our monthly shopping at Checkers. While looking for the eggs we came across a brand of eggs called ‘eggbert’. I had never seen this brand of eggs before, so of course I thought it was DEFINATELY a sign. We bought the biggest pack there was and we cut out all the logos and stuck them on our fridge. We spoke about eggbert, and we even had a picture of my folicle scan that we put on the fridge so we could ‘look’ at eggbert.
It was madness – the insanity that accompanies an IVF. You have to believe and be positive, but you can’t let yourself go too much. You have to be realistic, but also have to believe in the ‘magic’! Those wonderful story’s of success, they have to find you some day……right!
A couple of days before my test date I wrote a note to Eggbert.
I love you so much my sweetie. I can’t express to you how much I want you in my life. DJ and I will give you such a good home and love you always. If you decide to stay – I’ll keep you safe and warm for nine months and dad will talk to you all the time. We will make sure that you have lots of friends and that we raise you to have good values. I can’t wait to cuddle you and make you laugh and rock you to sleep and comfort you. To show you odd to our friends and let your grandparents spoil you. I can’t wait to meet you and love you. I already love you.
But Eggbert did not choose to stay.
And we fell down hard!
We were defeated. A dream was shattered. Our baby was gone.
The baby that had my hair and my eyes. THAT baby had left us forever.
And so we moarned the dream of THAT baby…..Our sweet sweet baby.
NOTE: This is my pain as I experienced it. It may seem trivial to some, but I felt it deeply and it was a big moment in my life. Please respect that.