The tenderness has not lifted. But I am trying to keep it together.
I think that 2008 has been a really difficult year, and it is needing to come to an end now. I need a clean slate and a new start and A BREAK. I have only had four days leave this entire year and I think that it is taking it’s toll. Then I have three major things hapening in my life at the moment.
1. Dealing with the constant drama surounding my brother.
2. Trying to manage a business with no support.
3. The thoughts in my head about my IVF in 2009.
My husband summed it up perfectly this weekend when he said. ‘There is too much drama at the moment, we have to cut one of them out’
I think we feel like shouting ‘ ONE AT A TIME PLEASE!’ We can not handle all of this at the moment.
In a nutshell my brother has been a problem child from birth. I love him so much though. He has a BIG problem with alcohol and is possible bipolar. My mom is such a soft person that she lets him get away with most things, and my stepfather (his dad) deals with him in a very harsh way. So on Friday my brother lost his job (AGAIN!). This causes a HUGE explosion between my mom and stepdad….resulting in numerous phone calls from my brother and mother to …….ME! I seem to be the level headed force in the family. And as a result I get bombarded with phone calls asking for advice or ‘just to vent’. Now this is fine when it happens a couple of times in a year. But it starts to take it’s toll when it is a fortnightly occurence.
Remember my sweet shop ‘business blues’ post. Well I am STILL dealing with it. Except I am starting to feel very unconfident about the situation. Unconfident in the sense that I am a failure. You see, I tend to take a farily hard aproach with business. If you don’t deliver you are out! Whereas I have had conflicting views from my business partner on this. Maybe I also have a very short fuse at the moment.
Okay, it isn’t really a drama. It’s just an emotional experience. I’m sure that you know what I am talking about when I refer to the pain of a failed IVF. It is so raw and deep and destroying and you never forget it. So going forward with this I keep on thinking what if what if…….and I can’t handle it in my mind. I have mental checklists floating around in my head as well. Am I doing enough to prepare? Will I choose the correct donor? When should I start acupuncture? Blah blah blah blah.
At the end of the day I think I need a good old BREAK! I’m taking three weeks off in December and I’m gonna soak up the sun and read and RELAX.
But for now…….I’m on the edge!