I’ve been feeling very tender lately, very why me? A little angry, a little sour.
I was okay last week and then there was a baby shower on Sunday. I didn’t go in the end even though I promised myself I would……………..and then I just couldn’t do it. The mom-to-be completely understood which was good because it would have made me feel worse if she didn’t. Then yesterday evening we went to the Barnyard theatre with a group of friends. I sat next to the 37 week pregnant mom to be. I felt the baby hiccuping in her tummy and then moving around because of all the loud music.
And then on the way home it started to nibble at me. The guilt at not being ‘normal’ enough to give your wonderful husband a child. The amount of friends that have had thier first and then second child, while we stand and smile politey on the sidelines. The ‘just relax’ coments and the deep deep hurt I feel. This is just NOT fair. And then I want stop feeling this way. I want to share in their joy like a normal person. I just feel so abnormal.
And then comes that dam donor issue. As if I don’t feel useless enough……..Sorry, your genetics just won’t do!
What did I do to deserve this? …………and all those CRAP questions that can’t be answered.