While lying in bed last night (staring at the ceiling) I realised a few things about myself.
I came to this realisation while thinking about my IVF journey and in connection with this my weight and health. My first thoughts were the usual WHY? WHY? WHY? followed by why haven’t i stopped fafing and lost the weight…..and stopped smoking?
Then I strated to think about all the battering I do to my own self esteem. While being so angry with the world and wallowing in the curse of infertility, I realise that I blame myself for some reason. It was definately a moment of clarity and quite liberating as I also realised that it can’t possible be my fault. I never asked for this and it is not my fault that it has happened. I have not done anything to deserve it and I am not being punished. It’s the way things go, and for the first time today I actually feel that it is possible. I have a bubbling insie me that says;
“YES! you will have a child”
“It is possible”
“You deserve it!”
……..and it feels good.
It’s like I am standing up for the first time and saying “No!” No to infertility and the emotional anchor you have tied me to. You will not allow me to believe that I am undeserving because I am. It has all been a horrible lie and now I have learnt the truth.
So for now I am picking myself up and smiling into the future.
I actually can’t wait until we have money to do our next IVF.