I had a friend in primary school that was adopted. She was never embarassed or ashamed about it. It was accepted in our group of friends as something natural. In fact it was more disturbing that her mother could not concieve naturally.This fact was mourned more than anything else and talked about in the same tone as you would talk about someone who had passed away in a tragic acident. We would say, “I really hope that it never happens to me” “Can you imagine having to deal with that”.
On reflection of this a few points come to mind.
The pain of the possibility of infertility was felt and acknowledged in a group of primary school girls. What does this say. Even as very young girls the importance of fertility has already been engrained in our brain. Society tells us that it is an essential part of being a woman and that it is our duty to provide children for our men. When you are a young primary school girl the idea of not falling pregnant naturally and easily is absurd. “That will never happen to me”
Actually thinking back infertility was never discussed not by our mothers, our friends or in Biology when learning about the reproducive system. It was maybe wispered about during tea parties and quickly shoved back under the carpet. Like something dirty that should never exist. Like a curse that should never be enflicted on anyone. Like something noone knew how to deal with. It was easier to talk about someone recovering from cancer.
This inturn made the infertile of today feel diseased and unaccepted. Like we are not proper woman, like we have denied our husbands of something. That we must have done something wrong to deserve this. That they don’t know how to deal with us……because something so horrible couldn’t possibly happen to anyone.
So as a result they offer well meaning advice ‘just relax’, ‘go on holiday’, ‘stop thinking about it’. And the comments cut deep and they never leave the infertile …………ever and they are remembered forever.
“Your house is too small for a baby anyway”
“Just stop thinking about it”
“So do you think your husband will leave you now”
“Those fertility specialist are just trying to make money out of you”
Everyday I am more and more convinced that the all-wise all-knowing individuals that make these ‘beautiful’ comments can’t handle my simple truth. For some reason it is too painful for them and too sad for them. It makes them uncomfortable and they just can’t handle it.
The truth is that I can’t produce a child naturally. I have come far on this road and I hope I don’t have much further to go. I have come this far with the support of a selected few that have made an effort to try and understand. The truth is that I have to embrace and accept this fate and it has made me stronger than any of you will ever be.
The truth is you will never understand……..but you should at least try.