MOM aka ‘that lady with the spoon’

Food Glorious Food!

Its not really going as well as I thought it would. I thought that we would have established a really nice three meal a day routine, but its not happening. I know I shouldn’t stress about it. I have spoken to other moms and their advice is just to be patient…..it will happen, but I find myself feeling a bit frustrated and asking myself WHY???

I’m sure Jayden has come to know me as ‘that woman with the spoon’, because I am there with a spoon a lot. Pulling funny faces, doing the airplane and even…….(don’t tell the mommy police) sneaking a spoonful in when he yawns or moans a bit. Although that really doesn’t work out well for me when it turns out to be a sneeze.

We have just emerged from two weeks of bottles only where I really was ‘that lady with the spoon’ and would offer him something to eat whenever an opportunity presented itself. The only reason that I could think of for this lack of appetite was that his teeth were hurting him. He did the same thing when he was cutting his bottom two and started eating again shortly after they were through. But no teeth have presented themselves this time and the refusal of solids has gone hand in hand with two weeks of disturbed sleep. I spoke to the Baby Sense lady at the baby show last week and she told me that he may not be sleeping because of a lack of protein, and I actually felt like a really crap mom as a result, but if he doesn’t want the food, I can’t force him to eat it!!

This week Jayden is eating again, but he really doesn’t eat a lot at all. A very small amount of cereal in the morning, (about a tablespoon full), a larger amount for lunch (A stage two purity) and he almost always refuses supper.

My worry is the fact that it is such a mission to get him to eat. Sometimes he will flat out refuse whatever is on offer until I get him to taste it by putting a little on my finger. If he likes what he tastes he will start to open his mouth like a little bird, but if he doesn’t there is no chance. He also seems absolutely happy to taste something that he can feed himself. Give him a teething biscuit, some banana or a piece of apple and there is no problem.

Is this normal?

He is eight months today, which means that we have been on solids for three months now. Shouldn’t we be doing a little better than this?

 

Oh well!!…..

My plan failed. I reactivated my FB account last night, which means that I lasted three days without bloody FB…..I suck.

OK, so here is what I think that I would have really missed if I had made the 30 days.

 

• The pics of the FC babies (and other people I have met via infertility). I reckon that I would have missed this the most.
• Even though its really superficial, I missed the status updates of some of my friends. It was somehow nice just to check what they had been up to.
• And I missed the pure entertainment value of FB.

I supose that I have learnt that I’ll be a little more conservative on FB.
……….and also that I won’t take it so seriously.

30 days – Facebook free.

On Friday Morning I deactivated my FB account.

I am doing a little experiment. As a follow on from my last post I want to see just what I will miss about FB so I can evaulate if I reall need it.

So far I have missed it a bit. I have missed lying in bed looking through FB on my phone. But that is purely for entertainment value. Its really just something I do to kill time.

So do not worry, you haven’t done anything wrong and I haven’t unfriended you.

I’m just taking a small break and I’ll probably be back soon.

What if I wasn’t on Facebook?

I am developing a true love/hate relationship with social media. When I first discovered Facebook it was love at first sight. I battled to keep myself off FB and I would post anything. I wouldn’t hesitate to post a picture or update my status. I loved reconecting with old friends and  checking in to see what they had been up to.

These days I am loosing my enthuisiasm. Some days I absolutely hate Facebook and other days I love it. I find myself asking, ‘Why exactly do I need Facebook?’ My relationship with this social media tool has definaetly changed and I have felt it most since Jayden arrived. I must admit that sometimes I forget who I am talking to and I forget that I have friends on FB that I would rather exclude from the conversation.  I feel like I need to be a little more private and less out there, but I am not sure where that feeling comes from. I am finding that I have to reevaluate what I use Facebook for and therefore adapt what I share and how I share it.

So what do I use Facebook for?

To catch up with old friends? I have a couple of friends that I went to high school with who have imagrated and have children. Its great to see pics of thier kids growing up, and to share pictures of Jayden. These are the types of friends that know about my life. They know my story and they would be welcome in my house anytime. So am I comfortable sharing with them…absolutely yes! But, I can just as easily do that on e-mail and skype……

To catch up with current friends? I must admit that I do enjoy the ‘Jonny did this today’ update. Life is so busy and as much as I hate to admit it, it is nice to have a platform to share these things. But what happened to actually seeing each other and spending time together. If FB didn’t exist how would we get to know these things? Did we miss out on all of this in the past? Or are some FB friendships just superficial? I’ll ‘like’ your photo and comment on your status and you can do the same, but please don’t phone me or come to my house because I don’t know you THAT well.

To organise an event? Yip, its a nifty little tool, but once again it can be done by e-mail.

To share photos? I am so proud of my son and I love to share photos of him on Facebook, but sometimes I wonder if it is really necesary. I am sure that some people really don’t care and in that case why would I want to share his gorgeousness with them.

To Lurk? Some of my facebook friends are purely aquiantances. It’s nice to see what they are up to but sometimes I wonder if I am really worthy enough of having access to all thier photos and updates. These types of friends never comment on my status and I never comment on thiers. We simply aren’t close enough to make an appropriate comment. And so I ask, is it ok to look through each others photos and fill in the blanks about thier personal life. I supose it is human nature, but do I really want these people making assumptions about my life? Maybe I shouldn’t care???

Is Facebook really about friends? Was it ever really about friends? Or has it morphed into a some sort of personal branding tool. I supose it depends on who the bulk of your facebook friends are and how you decide to use it. I find it really hard to believe that Facebook is about the real you? If it was we would see more real life status updates like;

“I am having a huge fight with my husband” OR “Today I am finding it difficult to be a mother”

Instead we get ambiguios status updates like;

“Life is so unfair” OR simply “Today, I hate you.”

I’m not saying that I’m not guilty of doing these things. In fact I have done all of the above. It has just made me wonder what I really need facebook for and I am reevaluating how I present myself.

Maybe I need a break from facebook so I can really think about what I use it for…….

My First Mothers Day.

It was my first Mother’s Day yesterday. I have been waiting so long to experience a Mothers Day and I must say that I enjoyed it so much. For me, the perfection was in the little private moments. It was completely different than I dreamed it would be, but perfect in every way. Our family never really makes a HUGE deal over Mothers Day and Fathers Day. The focus is more on spending time together. So we will go out for lunch together, or have a braai together.

So yesterday my first treat was a lovely long sleep in….until 10am. Followed by a lovely snuggle from my boy and a few small gifts. A mothers day mug, a lovely card, a ‘best mom’ certificate and a bracelet with an angel charm on it. From there we went to my mom’s house for a braai where we lounged around chatting and sipping on wine and champagne.

The special moments in my day were the simplest ones;

• The feeling of being wished a happy mothers day by my family was priceless.
• The sms’s and the calls I got just to say, we are thinking of you.
• Being able to raise a glass of champagne and celebrate rather than being sad.

I though of our birth mother a lot during the day, and I found myself saying many silent prayers for her. It must have been such a very difficult day for her. I hope that she knows that Jayden is so unbelievably loved and treasured.

My thoughts were also with those who aren’t there yet. Those who are still walking the path. Those who have suffered a loss, or those who are still struggling with infertility. I don’t think I will ever forget what it was like to be there. (((BIG HUGS))))

 

Lastly, I saw this on FB and just had to share it……….

A Newborn’s Conversation with God

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the small child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

God said, You will simply call her, “Mom.” Happy Mothers Day xxx

Funny little memories – Part one.

I have been meaning to write a post about this for sooooo long. About seven months actually……

There were so many special post infertility memories made after Jayden came into our lives. He has healed our hearts in so many ways. He is such a lovely, beautiful, wonderful gift.

The Handbag Pram

The first funny little memory took place at the airport when we went down to Cape Town. We were very blessed in that my mom had bought us a pram the December before. So one of the BIG things we had to get was out of the way. We took our pram with us to collect our little fluffington and it was very amusing to wach the reactions of people when they saw us pushing an empty pram through Cape Town International. In fact the pram served us well as a handbag carrier. We got a lot of funny looks from people when they looked inside the pram only to find ….a handbag. The contrasting experience when coming back to JHB was the best. People now looked into the pram and saw a little little baby, our baby, what a feeling! It was so sureal. We arrived with a pram and a handbag and returned with our son! The concept still makes me smile.

The cake tin.

I was under the impression that I had to sterlise our bottles in Miltons AND in the microwave. So I sent DJ to the shops to buy a few things. One of them included some sort of plastic container to put the Miltons in. Well this turned out to be……a cake tin. I discovered this back at the B & B when I tried to sterilise the bottles and the dam thing started leaking. I must admit that it did look like a big plastic bowl at first glance and it took me a few minute to figure out why it was leaking. We had a good laugh when we realised what it was!

More memories to come ….later.

Feeling Cr@p

My endo has knocked me this month! I normally battle every month, but this month I am really battling with extreme fatigue and pain. All I want to do right now is cry. I am not sure what to do with myself. I am also not quite sure if my hormones are taking a dip too as a result of the premature ovarian failure. But I definately feel pretty useless and emotional.

Some of you may recall that I had a lap last year and the results were not good. You can read about that here.

I was suposed to go on some Lucrin and then have a Mirena inserted, but I didn’t do it…….I know that one of the reasons was financial. It was the end of the year and we had no more medical savings. The Lucrin is expensive and I simply don’t have R6000 lying around. But I supose I could go on it now because our medical savings have been topped up, but I’m still hesitant. I am worried that the Lucrin will turn me into a hormonal monster and to be honest I am dealing with enough at the moment. I don’t need to be pushed over the edge.

And so I am not sure what I should do….

I am not going back to the FS. I need to go and have my yearly smear so I reckon that I will book an appointment with a gynea.

There must be another option to the lucrin. Something natural? Something to balance my hormones….Urgh I feel crap!!

Check-up

Let me write all this down before I forget….

The peadiatrician appointment went well this morning. I love our Pead. You can see that he loves children and J is so calm with him. All in all J is a ‘perfect pumpkin’, as our pead calls him. His head circumfrance is larger than normal for his age so he checked out some neurological stuff to be sure, but everything is absolutely 100% fine. He just has a big head.

I asked him about the vomiting. Aparently I am giving him too much milk and I need to cut down on the mls. By nine months he should only be drinking 600mls a day and at the moment he is drinking between 800ml and one litre. The vomiting in the evening is simply due to an ‘overload’ and build up during the day. So I am decreasing the mls in his bottles and staying with the same amount of bottles per day. I will also try a small bedtime bottle.

His next two teeth will be on their way in the next month, and he guesstimates his weight to be about 8,5kgs – They had a power failure so thier scales weren’t working.

While I was there I also asked him about walking rings and I was very suprised when he told me that they are actually fine. He agreed that as long as they are used in moderation they are ok. He recomends 45 mins twice a day….which I am not even close to.

Next time we will see him is when J is one year…..and I can’t believe that its only in five months. Holy Moly!!!

The magnitude of motherhood.

One of the things that I love about blogging is the clarity you get from thinking a post through. It really sorts out the thoughts in my mind as I translate them from ideas to words.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how my life has changed. Life as I knew it was turned upside down in many many ways and while I would never go back to the old childless me I have to acknowledge the absolute magnitude of change motherhood brings with it. For me, it hasn’t been the lifestyle changes that have made their mark it is more the transition from infertile me to mommy me. As infertiles I am sure that we all experience this transition on some sort of personal level. My experience of the transition has definitely left me with the thinking that if you have battled infertility for any period of time there are lingering infertile mindsets that stay with you. They aren’t issues that you would think about while still on the journey.

Some things didn’t come as a surprise to me. I knew that……

• I would not be able to freely come and go as I wish.
• I would feel the effects of sleep deprivation.
• I would love my child more than I love anyone else in the world and I would do anything….ANYTHING to protect him.
• The sacrifices I would be prepared to make for his future and welfare.

But other things came as a bit of a surprise.

The change in the dynamics of my relationship with my husband.

Sure, I knew that things would change, but I had no idea how they would change. I suppose that I expected my husband’s views to be EXACTLY the same as mine and I expected his life to change JUST in the same ways as mine did. It sounds really silly in my head and even more ridiculous written down, but it is true, at the back of my mind I expected this post infertile-couple bliss……but it’s not quite like that …..is it?

I knew it would change my relationship…..I just didn’t know how much.

The frustration that I would feel when things didn’t go right.

I like things to go my way. It’s very frustrating when it doesn’t, and it’s a different frustration than I have felt before because it’s my son. He is the most important thing in my life and in my heart I want to get everything right the first time, but I don’t. Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing? Sometime I wonder if I am trying hard enough (I am very hard on myself) and I second guess every decision I make. This is not something that I can do over if I get it wrong and that scares me.

The responsibility of being a mother through adoption.

There is so much more responsibility than I realised. I feel….

• A responsibility to educate others about adoption. It is shocking how misinformed people are.
• A responsibility to my son to always be open and honest.
• A responsibility to build my sons confidence in a cruel, stereotypical world.
• A MASSIVE responsibility to our birth parents.

The lingering infertility hangups.

After years of telling myself not to get too excited….I can finally get excited. After years of infertility related negative self talk…..I am finally free.

I don’t want to linger on the past, but I need to acknowledge that it takes time to change the mindset of an infertile. To start to believe that you are deserving and you can be ‘normal’. All that thinking needs to be changed and that takes lots of time and effort.

 

At the end of the day, it’s difficult for everyone isn’t it. Whether you conceived naturally, through fertility treatment or became a mother through adoption. It’s such a huge change……a good change, but it’s massive.

There is no denying the magnitude of motherhood, and acknowledging that somehow takes the edge off for me.

 

All things Jayden

I think its time for a catch-up on all things Jayden.

Teething: Jayden has his two bottom teeth, but it seems that he definately has some more coming through. The teething has really interfered with the solids (I think) and we have some days where he will eat well and others when he refuses everything but his bottle. I have tried teejel, pansoral, ashton’s powers, nurofen and empaped, and there is nothing that I can REALLY say has helped. The only thing he really enjoys is a good old chew on…….. his plastic spoon, a piece of carbonossi or biltong or a starter toothbrush. I feel fustrated that I can’t help him more. Last night I remembered Vidol, which I think I’ll try.

Walking rings: I bought a walking ring which I intended to use minimally……and then I read a thread on fertilicare on the use of them. I am now totally confused. I have spoken to many mothers and the general feedback is that it is a personal choice. My primary reason for getting one was so that J would have another seat-type place to sit in during the day after he got sick of his Bumbo or bouncy chair, but now I am wondering if he really needs it. He is sitting so well now and he really likes to sit and play with some toys or be on his tummy and roll. My gut tells me that I don’t need it, but on the other hand it is nice for ten minutes while I cook supper or have a bath. KWIM.

Nanny stuff: Everything is OK. We are all getting along fine now and we have found our groove. This topic deserves a post of its own though. Its coming soon!

First birthday party:I have decided that I am going for it with the birthday party.I know that J won’t remember it …… But its for me!!!!! OK! I have chosen a nice venue and I think I am going for a BuzzBee theme from The Hive.

Jayden smiles at BuzzBee everytime he comes on the TV screen.  Here is a picture of him smiling at BuzzBee this morning.

…….He love to cuddle Bella.

Sleeping: Do babies have bad dreams? Last night was so wierd. Jayden cried out every 15 minutes until about eight pm. When we went to check on him his eyes were closed, it was almost as if he was having a night mare. I did some reading up on night terrors and aparently they are only suposed to happen from twelve months. Its very strange, and heartbreaking for us. Otherwise he is sleeping through the night from about 6:30/7:00 to 4:30/5:30. Its difficult to get him down for nap times, but I am blaming it on the teething.

Eating: We are going for a pead check up on Friday and my biggest concern is eating. I am a little concerned that Jayden is still eating very little solids and I want to know if this is due to the teething or if it is something else. He has also started vomiting up his night time bottle. This has happened during the day, but not often and its become more of a regular thing over the last week. Its not every night, but its becoming more frequent. Am I feeding him to much milk in one feed? I certainly don’t force him to drink his whole bottle. Or is it maybe a reaction to something he has eaten earlier in the day? I just don’t know, but I am paying close attention to what happens this week so I can ask the pead some questions.

Any thoughts?