Goodbye 2012

It’s already that time again. Time for some reflection on the year that is nearly behind us.

I started the year out on a mission to be inspired. I planned to find meaning in the work I do and really make a difference, but 2012 had other plans for me.

In reality, this has been a year of learning. I haven’t achieved what I set out to do and I was starting to feel a bit miserable about it. That is until I actually sat down and took stock of what has ACTUALLY happened this year. That made me feel a little less like a failure. :-)

Parenthood

I experienced my first year as a mom this year. Jayden arrived in our lives at the end of 2011, but we only really started to settle into parenthood in 2012. I have to admit that it has been challenging even though we wouldn’t change a thing. Becoming a parent makes you re-evaluate everything in your lives. Friendships have changed and new friendships have formed. I am very excited about the new friendships and I have had to learn that some friends were really acquaintances in disguise. Its okay though, our lives are filled with different things now. I’m loving going to kids parties and spending time with other mommy friends, JUST-LOVING-IT!!

 Finding me.

I know I have said this before, but I truly truly never realized how broken I was before Jayden. I knew I was sad, but I never realized how deeply hurt I was. I have only recently able to take a good hard look at the past and START to make some decisions as to how I will move forward. I have lost a bit of weight and I’m starting to feel really good about my body and I truly believe that I will continue my feel good mission in the new year. I went shopping the other day and bought some jeans and shorts that were one size down, a 14! -YAY. I know its only one size so far but it means so much more to me. It means that I can do this and I am ok with slow steady weigh loss. It’s all part of finding me. :-)

The world of work and money

Our finances have been a disaster this year, but we have had a lot of new things to get used to. Babies are expensive and I have really had to learn to juggle my time being a working-from-home mom. I have had to refocus and decide what I really want and I have realized how awesome it is to be a working-from-home mom. As a result I have realized that I now know how important it is that I make this work. It allows me to be able pick up Jayden from school at midday and play with him in the afternoons. If I had an 8-5pm office job I wouldn’t be able to do that.

2012………………… you have been a little bit of a bitch, haven’t you? But you have taught me some valuable lessons and I have undergone a big change as a result. I have learnt to be a mom and wife as opposed to a sad infertile wife. I have realized my try potential as a business woman and how important my business is to me. I have learnt about friendships; what I want in my life and what I don’t want. Its been a bit of a wild ride!

2013……..you better watch out……I’m coming for ya!!!!

 

Thanks bloggers.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post ladies. It really put things into perspective for me. I tend to get tunnel vision when I am too close to a problem and your comments really opened up my thinking.

G is a really good person and looks after Jayden very well. He likes her and she likes him which is very important. I trust her too and I never had that with our previous domestic. I supose that I need to look at her as more of a nanny and be thankful that my boy is so well looked after.

There are a few things that need to change next year; and I am sure that it will be possible for her to make those changes, as J will be at school three mornings a week. I think I will have a nice talk with her when she comes back from leave and clarify my expectations.

For now, we have ten working days to get through.

After that we can all take a deep breathe, relax and look forward to 2013.

High expectations?

There are two reasons for this post….

1.I want to write my frustrations down so I can organize them in my head.

2. I want a little advice, your honest opinion please.

Just a short note: I know that it is the end of the year and everyone is tired and moody. I know I am! I need a break badly and I have a very short fuse at the moment. This may contribute to the way I am feeling now, but I still think that I have some valid concerns.

If you have been reading for a while you will know that we had some drama with our nanny/domestic earlier this year. Basically I very wrongly assumed that our domestic could graduate to nanny very easily and I was sadly mistaken. We had to let her go and finally found someone to look after our fluffington during the day.

G, has been with us since July and I really cannot fault her care with Jayden. She plays with him, takes him for walks and they really get along very well. You can see she knows what she is doing, she is experienced and has worked as a nanny for over ten years. I really do trust her with J.

Now after what I have just said I may sound really pathetic in my next statement. I mean I have found someone really awesome and my son is safe and looked after……BUT, my house does not get cleaned, and I am growing more and more resentful of that fact.

I do know that you need to choose your battles with this type of thing, but I am really talking about the basics here. I could handle my house not being super clean. I could handle a little dust on the top of a cupboard, but I can’t handle the fact that there is dirt in plain sight that I end up cleaning on a weekend.

Here is an example of what I cleaned yesterday,

  • I vacuumed the carpet in our lounge and cleaned the laminate flooring.
  • I wiped down some of the window sills.
  • I wiped down our TV cabinet, coffee tables and dining room table.
  • I swept and mopped our outside braai area and wiped down all the tables and surfaces.
  • I cleaned all the surfaces in the study.

And these things seem to have to be attended to every weekend. It irritates me! Sure things do get done. Our clothes are washed and  ironed and the floors are mopped. The toilets and the kitchen get cleaned everyday and sometimes I hear a vacuum cleaning in the background, but I must admit, I expect more from someone who is here five days a week.

I know that J is a lot of work at the moment, and with that in mind I could make my peace with all of this, but I pay G very well, and it really grinds me that these things aren’t done.

So my first question is, are my expectations too high? What do you expect from a nanny/domestic looking after one child.

I know that things will change slightly next year as J will be starting playschool three mornings a week. This means that there will be more time to get things done, but I’ll then have an extremely well paid domestic worker.

So there is my vent! I’m still confused, am I being unrealistic? Is this what I should expect?

Your advice please ladies.

 

Adoption reactions.

Before Jayden arrived, we never really talked about adoption outside of our close friends and family and when we did the reactions were always positive. It was never a secret that we were waiting to adopt, but I didn’t  feet the need to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry. I guess it’s just not something that comes up in conversation. Its only really been after Jayden’s placement that I have really been exposed to the honest reactions and opinions of others and I have found it to be quite interesting.

In the back of my mind, I know that people have all sorts of views when it comes to adoption, but I have always expected a positive response from people (yes I know it is very naive). I haven’t been hurt by these opinions……YET, and I try my best to educate others when they make misguided assumptions about adoption. The only time I feel that I may scratch your eyes out is if you insult my son directly. That is unacceptable.

The most ridiculous response I got from someone was, “oh, so is adoption popular these days?” Um, ja……my reaction, “no, it’s not! It’s a big decision that you get to when it is right for you.”

But the comments that have surprised me most are the ones directed at our BM. I have had……..

“Will she ever forgive herself for what she has done?”

“How can anyone do that?”

” I could never do that?”

Last week I was driving our nanny to the bus stop and as we drove past the Light House Baby Shelter I told her about the Moses basket they have there and how they look after abandoned children. She couldn’t understand it, and her solution to the problem was to either have an abortion or use protection so you don’t have an unwanted pregnancy in the first place. I tried to explain that sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan and you have no other option, but she could not understand how a person could ever get to that place. In her mind there is always support. Her friend’s daughter is thirty and has just given birth to her fifth child. She doesn’t use contraception and loves ‘sleeping around’. When she told me about the women she commented on how dirty and undisciplined these kids were, and so I used that scenario to try to explain how adoption may have been a better solution for the children and mother, but still she didn’t understand.

This reaction isn’t limited to a certain culture, and I actually find that people are really uneducated when it comes to adoption. I suppose that is par for the course if you haven’t been personally touched by the experience. It’s the same with infertility and depression. We never stop learning about life. The only time that I get really irritated is when someone isn’t open to learning something new.

The reactions and comments directed at a birth mother really highlight her immense braver and selflessness. If you ‘can’t imagine ever doing that’ it just confirms how dam difficult it must be. By making the comment people seem to imply that the BM doesn’t care, which is so far from the truth.

So, at the end of the day, my reaction to these comments is not to be offended, but to educate in the best way that I can. Saying nothing is the worst thing that I could do.

Flashbacks and reflections.

I was looking for something backed up on an old computer this morning and I came across a baby picture. It would be easy to mistake the baby for me, but the truth is that its not. Its the picture of one one my awesome donors. I remember choosing her based on her picture alone and I couldn’t help feeling that little ‘what if’ feeling. That donor gave me my one and only BFP and I found myself momentarily transported back to that time in my life. The joy and then the pain…………

 

There have been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately, two of them from people who are very special to me and two from old high school friends on FB. My reactions have been very different to each one and I find myself reflecting on THE question, “Have I gotten past the fact that I will never be pregnant?’

I do believe that I will never be pregnant and I don’t believe that it is possible for me to fall pregnant. I know that miracles happen, but I simply don’t believe that a pregnancy can get past my damaged insides and my crap eggs. This is a fact and it just has to be accepted. I know that pregnancy is only for nine months and being a parent is forever, but sometimes I still feel that little longing inside me. Its not anything big enough for me to wallow or get depressed about, its more of a wondering of what it would be like to be pregnant and give birth.

Two very special people are pregnant at the moment. My cousins fiance and one of my closest IF friends. When I heard that my friend was pregnant I was overjoyed and scared for her at the same time. I prayed hard and I still pray for her. Its always great when an IF sista gets good news.

My cousin phoned me personally to tell me and I was so touched that they thought about me. On reflection I realized that people are still sensitive to my infertility history, which made me feel a little odd. I haven’t thought about that part of me for a long time (properly) and it made me realized what an impact it has made on others. Some may still see me as the sensitive, hurt, fragile women that I was. Whereas I don’t see myself like that anymore. My son has healed me in so many ways. I just don’t feel that deep hurt anymore.

So lets get back to that question, ” Have I gotten past the fact that I will never be pregnant?” My answer is YES! Even though I may wonder what it would have been like and even though I worked hard to achieve it in the past.

Jayden is more than any pregnancy!!! My precious boy.